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12 Lies Every Mother Tells Herself When Hiring Her First Nanny

Photograph by Twenty20

You’ve achieved a major milestone: You’ve had a baby. No matter how many successes you’ve racked up in your life before becoming a mother, having a child—through C-section, vaginal birth or adoption—is a hard thing that alters your life like nothing else.

But now you have to do a harder thing: Find a nanny to take care of your precious child while you bring home the bacon.

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I’m not trying to intimidate you, but having a baby cut out of my uterus was only slightly more difficult than my first nanny search.

Why? First, I was so hormonal that I cried every time the wind changed directions—and I live in the Windy City. I was also STILL bleeding down there and my breasts seemed to be spewing milk 24/7.

Maybe my boss won’t notice if I bring the baby to work every day and stick her under my desk.

And good lord, I’d never been so tired in my life. Around week three of my maternity leave, I began to understand why sleep deprivation was such an effective torture device. And don’t even ask about my wardrobe! It was a hot mess, a hodgepodge of maternity shirts that sort of fit (but only in the breasts) and maternity pants that were baggy in the ass—and all of it was milk-stained.

Against that glamorous backdrop, I had to become an employer. And I needed to employ someone loving, dependable and competent who could help me raise my child. Just the thought of it made me sob into my hooter hider. But someone had to watch the baby while I was at work, so I had to get to work.

While the process ultimately led our family to a wonderful starter nanny who stayed with us for a year, the early stages were gut-wrenching. I remember staring at the ceiling and thinking the same thoughts over and over—each of them false, but I had no way of knowing it then.

If you’re thinking these thoughts, take heart! You are not alone, and even better, you are also WRONG. They’re not true. It’s just the fatigue and hormones talking. You will find the right person!

1. All the good nannies are taken.

2. The only nannies left are psychopaths who are going to steal my baby and hitch a ride to Vegas.

3. We will never find someone good by the time I go back to work.

4. We cannot afford a nanny so I might as well stay home with the baby.

5. Every nanny we interview is judging me and thinks I’m a bad mom.

6. I can’t possibly be someone else’s boss—look at me! I’m a milk-stained mess of a woman.

7. No one is going to love my baby to my satisfaction.

8. Maybe my boss won’t notice if I bring the baby to work every day and stick her under my desk.

9. Maybe my boss won’t notice if I don’t come back to work (but will keep paying me).

10. I should have NEVER had a child because I suck so bad at finding a nanny.

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11. If I don’t clean up the house before the nanny interview, no one will want to work here.

12. I will die from the stress of getting a nanny.

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