You read the baby books. You attended birthing class. You interviewed pediatricians. You were ready. Prepared. Set to be a mom! Until you became a mom and realized, you didn't know jack sh*t about being a mother, now did you?
Nope. You were one clueless SOB.
And now you're learning on the job. Enjoy those learning curves, ladies. They're unflattering sometimes, aren't they?
1. You will hate small toys.
You will step on small toys, like Legos. Legos are supposed to be fun. The reality is when you step on one, you cry like a little b*tch. No one told you Legos were a weapon of war.
Oh yes indeedy, they are!
Let's not forget the burden of tiny, tiny, tiny toys. Like Shopkins. And all the utensils in the Barbie Dreamhouse.
The utensils in the Barbie Dreamhouse are worse than Barbie's shoes.
All these little toys get lost constantly. They end up in places they don't belong. You'll find a Shopkins stuck in your box of tampons.
2. Your children will hate clothes.
You think it's cold out, so time to put your kid in a coat, gloves and hat.
You idiot! You thought your kid would be cold and need warmth and protection? Your child will request to wear a swimsuit when it is zero degrees out.
3. Your glittery girly dreams will bite you in the a**.
You thought you would get your kid a pretty dress with some sparkles. It will look pretty, you say. She'll love it, you say.
You didn't realize however, that glitter gets everywhere and now you're walking around looking like a stripper or drag queen. By now you realize that number two is the better option.
4. You will never have a warm meal again. Ever.
You figure you will just sit for five minutes while it's hot. Of course, you'll feed the kids first. It won't get too cold. You'll get right to it.
Ha! Life fail!
You won't get to it in 10 minutes. Or 20 minutes. You will eat cold meals until your kids move out.
Locking the bathroom door and saying "Bye, bye kiddies," will be the best part of motherhood.
5. You will sometimes hate your kid.
Not forever and not for longer than five seconds to an hour max, but sometimes, like when your kid draws on the wall his version of Van Gogh's "Starry Night" and it looks nothing like stars and everything like sh*t and won't come off no matter how hard you try, you'll wish you got a dog instead of a kid.
6. You will face harsh judgement.
Everyone who is everyone, which is everyone, will know better than you about how to raise your kid. Seriously. I mean they won't actually know better than you do, but they think they do and will tell you at every chance.
People you've never even met will judge you. At times you'll be made to feel as if you are a clueless idiot and in some cases you might be, and that's just part of the learning curve.
You will be frowned on if you work and frowned on if you are home.
You will learn to ignore people or happily, tell them to f*%k off, which is the most gratifying in my humble opinion!
7. You will be devalued.
Yup, some folks think being a mother is as easy as stacking rocks and people will devalue what you do with your kids more than you would think in today's day and age.
8. You will believe in karma.
When your kid sounds like you and acts like you and in many cases, is even worse behaved than you were as a kid, you will know that your own mother's hopes and prayers that you would get the same crap she did, worked.
9. You will LOVE going to the bathroom.
Locking the bathroom door and saying "Bye, bye kiddies," will be the best part of motherhood. Staying in the bathroom for an hour will be the pinnacle of it all. Just occasionally shout from the bathroom so people know you're still living and try to ignore the little hands under the door crack. Those are your kids' hands.
10. Your pregnant belly is a source of public property.
Everyone will touch your belly as if he or she intimately knows you. People will "tell you" what gender you are having. Your pregnant body is the single most important topic of conversation in any crowd. You will get stared at as if you were the very first and only woman to get pregnant. EVER.
11. You know nothing.
You read the books and are sure you know what to do when the baby arrives. Then the baby arrives and you know nothing. You know jack squat.
You will accept your state of cluelessness by the time you realize no one around you knows what he or she is doing either.