While Andrea was facing the intense pain of laboring with
their first daughter, her partner made the crucial mistake of complaining that his back hurt. “It’s kind of a miracle
we made a second baby together,” she says. “He also had to take a break from
massaging my lower back during labor because his wee hands hurt,” she adds.
The only time someone should complain about pain during a
partner’s labor is … nope. Never.
Don't mind me, just having major surgery to remove a human being from my body
this morning, but by all means, let's prioritize your McMuffin.
We all need to eat, and sometimes labor can be long.
However, these dads could use a lesson on discretion in the food department.
husband swung through the McDonald’s drive-thru on the way to the hospital for
her C-section. “I wasn't in labor, but I also
wasn't allowed to eat, and I kind of wanted to hurt him,” says Stephanie.
“Don't mind me, just having major surgery to remove a human being from my body
this morning, but by all means, let's prioritize your McMuffin.”
Samara’s former partner decided to squeeze in some “me-time”
in the hours before his son was born. “My ex ate a hamburger and watched the
Victoria's Secret fashion show while I was in labor,” says Samara. As if that wasn’t
annoying enough, he wasn’t the only one with his eyes on the screen. “The
goddamn DOCTOR kept peeking at the TV,” she says.
Meanwhile, Lynn Morrison’s
husband was tugged by a more responsible dedication to his oral hygiene. “He went to brush his teeth right when the doctor said I could start
pushing,” she says. “He wanted me to ‘Just hold on for a few minutes,’ so he
could get rid of his morning breath. He nearly missed the birth,” Lynn says.
Thank goodness he didn’t feel the need to floss, too.
Some partners are total troopers through the labor, but fail
to maintain that finesse back at home, forgetting that life with a newborn
isn’t life as usual.
This fate befell Alexandra Rosas’ husband. When
he came home from work one afternoon, Alexandra was perched on the couch with
her colicky preemie— in the same place he’d seen her that morning. “The baby was
hanging off my breast after nursing for the tenth hour straight, and
my husband asks, ‘Did ya’ bring in the mail?’”
When Joy Hedding was
recovering from the C-section birth of her fourth child, her husband was struck
down with a man cold. “We
had an 8-year-old, a 5-year-old, a 2-year-old and a newborn. He asked me to
make him some soup,” she says. Her response? “Ummmm … nope.”
My own husband was great in the early days of parenthood,
but one morning he asked me this apocalyptic question: “Did the baby sleep
through the night?” I saw stars as the stabby theme song from "Psycho" rang in my
ears. I looked at him, then looked at our baby like, Can you believe this guy?
“Why no,” I finally said. “But apparently you did.”