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I’m an Attachment Parent, and I’m Judging You Right Now

Photograph by Twenty20

We all like to mouth platitudes. Fed is best. Every mother does things in her own way. As long as the baby is happy. As long as Mama is happy. It’s not my business. We need to band together and not judge each other.

I’m here to tell you: That’s crap. I’m an attachment parent, and I’m judging you right now.

I’ll sit here nursing my 4-year-old while I tell you how important breastmilk is. Don’t mouth that crap about fed is best. Formula is basically cancer in a bottle, what with its genetically engineered high fructose corn syrup and Frankenvitamins and liquified corporate interests.

Do I even mention how important antibodies breastmilk contains? There, I mentioned it.

RELATED: How Experts Say to Potty Train vs. What Really Happens

Breastfeeding will also give you more sleep, so if you formula feed, don’t complain to me that you’re up at night. And when you get a cut, what do you think you’re going to put on it, Neosporin? You need good, pure, perfect breastmilk for all minor injuries, stomach bugs and possibly cancer. Did you know milk changes throughout the day to meet your specific baby’s specific needs? I do. That’s because I learned it on the internet.

You can learn all kinds of things on the internet, like about vaccines. They have a higher chance of hurting your baby than the disease itself, and they’re full of toxins and monkey stem cells and the angry ghost of Jonas Salk. You should never, ever vaccinate your child. Herd immunity is a lie perpetrated by the pharmaceutical industry, like diphtheria. I am so anti-vax I went to a chickenpox party to actively get my kids sick. Then I put breastmilk on the lesions, which I think also helped minimize the scars.

Have you noticed my awesome sling? It’s called a woven wrap. It cost $650, but you can make your own out of fabric from JoAnn’s. I know 6 million ways to tie my kid to me.

If you’re attentive to your baby, they won’t pee in your bed, where of course they’re sleeping.

We don’t own an infant carseat because they give your baby a flat head and make them feel unattached and sad. That’s how they grow up to be serial killers. Don’t tell me babywearing didn’t work for you or your baby doesn’t like it. You’re just not doing it right. Go to a meeting and try 400 carriers until your child is weeping with exhaustion and passes out in one of them. That’s the magic carrier for you. It costs several hundred dollars and is only available through Facebook babywearing swaps, which are cesspools of jargon and snark. But if you really love your baby, you’ll save him from a life of both crime and plagiocephaly.

You’ll also save his butt from the death chemicals in disposable diapers. Did you know diapers contain chemicals? Because they do, and chemicals are always bad. Those chemicals lie right up against his reproductive organs and who knows what kind of damage they’re doing. The internet told me it lowers male sperm count.

Don’t own a washer? You can clean cloth diapers by hand. I saw it on the "Flats and Handwashing Challenge" on the internet. Cloth diapers are pure and perfect as long as you use pure and perfect detergent, of which there is only one kind, of which I will preach to you now. You have to order it on the internet and the shipping will kill you, but nothing’s too precious for your baby, right?

But if you really, really love your baby you will do this thing called Elimination Communication where you make a shhhhhh pee noise and they pee right in the sink (at home and in restaurants). They can poop that way, too. You have to spend all your time learning their "cues" and be attentive to them day and night so you never have a miss. By "miss" I mean "piss on your rug."

Also, your kid can’t wear pants.

Also, restaurant patrons will look at you weird but they don't love your baby like you do.

If you’re attentive to your baby, they won’t pee in your bed, where of course they’re sleeping. Co-sleeping is so much better than cribs, which are basically cruel baby prisons. You can’t nurse and use a crib at the same time. You’ll die of sleep exhaustion, and your baby will be lonely and sad. Then he’ll cry, and you won’t get any sleep, and you’ll think that cry-it-out is a good idea. Cry-it-out will fry your baby’s brain and turn him in Charles Manson. At the very least he’ll be at the bottom of his kindergarten class and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.

If only we could go back to the world before we ruined it with all those stupid chemicals and male doctors telling us we needed epidurals (poison) and pitocin (poison) and C-sections (poison, poison, poison).

Basically, you should be staring at your baby all the time. Your baby is trying to tell you something. It’s your job to hear it. He says he wants boobs, and he wants picked up, and he wants you to never ever ever put him down. It doesn’t matter if this is inconvenient to you. They sell water slings for showering for a reason.

You gave up all rights to anything when you became a mother. If you don’t agree with me, you’re a selfish she-demon and your kid will grow up to be a biter who doesn’t understand his feelings.

RELATED: Attachment Parenting My Baby Was Unhealthy and a Mistake

Also, you should give him a shot of kombucha every day to help his gut form. Fermentation is amazing, isn’t it? And put some essential oils on him. It doesn’t matter where. No, it doesn’t matter which ones. They’ll cure him better than any modern antibiotic. Which is poison, by the way. Total poison. Like cribs and infant carriers and formula and vaccines. Total, complete, and utter poison.

If only we could go back to the world before we ruined it with all those stupid chemicals and male doctors telling us we needed epidurals (poison) and pitocin (poison) and C-sections (poison, poison, poison). It might be too late for you. But if you can find a good cranio-sacral therapist he might be able to undo the disastrous effects of your C-section. And a chiro.

In the meantime, huff this essential oil. Did I mention starter kits are only $89.95?

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