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If Our Breastfeeding Boobs Could Talk...

Photograph by Twenty20

Let's face it, ladies. When you take on the huge responsibility of nursing, you will face many setbacks. But has anyone else noticed their boobs taking freedom a tad too far lately? I got so fed up, that I would not rest until I was granted the chance to interview the real “terrible two.” I will find out what's going on with them. We used to be so close and now it’s like I don’t even know them anymore. So I had to have them on the show! Put your hands together for Left Tit (LT) and Right Tit (RT) everyone!

*Curtain lifts. In bounce LT & RT*

Come over here. Sit down with me, and let's have a talk. A titty talk, if you will. I have five questions to ask you about how you've been showing out lately. I hope to get to the bottom of this so we can be close like the old days.

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Interviewer: I am so grateful for you two agreeing to this exclusive interview! I'm sure the pressure to be attractive and provide nutrients is super challenging. Your work is so demanding. But I want to dive right in and ask the question everyone wants to know! Do you have any intentions of ever being consistent enough in size to find a well-fitting bra? For both of you!?

LT: You know, we've considered it. It just depends on how we feel that day. We have come to terms that just because we share a living space does not mean we have to do everything together. I mean, what the purpose of a bra? A "fitting" bra to you is a restrictive cage to us. Besides, we see it as another obstacle to feeding the baby

Interviewer: Speaking of feeding babies, I heard that recently you underwent a traumatic experience. For those who haven't heard, tell us what happened.

RT: Well, I was in the middle of a nursing session when suddenly, the baby began to attack me and kept doing so until blood was visible. It was one of the scariest moment of my life. The wounds were so bad I had to be taken away immediately. The doctor said to put me on bed rest for two weeks.

Interviewer: Oh goodness, that must have been horrific. Along those same lines I've heard there were other bad times. What would you say has been the most horrific experience in your time in this occupation?

LT: *Sobs dramatically*

RT: There was a period of time we don't like to discuss. It was a time when we took pills—lots of pills. We weren't doing too well on milk production and we…. we just didn't know what else to do.

Times were so hard, I took a step back and discovered the pressure I was putting myself under was making things much worse.

Interviewer: I had no idea! What did you do?

LT: Before I knew it I was overdosing on fenugreek. Times were so hard, I took a step back and discovered the pressure I was putting myself under was making things much worse.

We increased our nursing frequency and began power pumping. It took a long time but things got better with time.

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Interviewer: I also heard mention of times you were prepared to feed and the baby refused to eat. Is it true you ended up with mastitis from this issue? How did you overcome that stage? I'm sure that level of engorgement and pain must have been painful.

It was horrible. I thought I was in for a life of torture. I couldn't move. I could hardly fit into any dresses and I had sharp pains shooting throughout my entire body. I had no idea when things would get better. But we had to feed through the pain. And then one day, suddenly, the baby decided to eat.

Interviewer: Any last words?

RT & LT: We love our job. Don’t let the challenges we described fool you. We wouldn’t want to be any other place on the body! Thank you for giving us a platform to express our concerns.

Interviewer: Well there ya have it! Life as a boob has many challenges that I wasn’t aware of. Thank you for your time! And let us know what we can do to make your days any easier. Tune in next time when we meet up with the illustrious postpartum tummy!

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