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Dating Advice for my Infant Daughter

Photograph by Getty Images

Dear Stella,

Hi, pumpkin! It's Mommy. As I look in on you in your crib at your little cherub face and your "touchdown" arms laid out above your head, I'm in awe of how perfect you are. I know how quickly you'll change and grow, and how time flew with your big brother, and how it will with you.

You'll start wearing three- to six-month clothing, eating solid foods, pooping solid food poop, challenging my gag reflex. Then you'll crawl, talk, walk, wear big girl pants and poop in your big girl pants on a ferry ride in your Easter dress. Then we'll go to Claire's Boutique together, you'll start sneaking my makeup and then you'll bust me wearing one-half of your "BFF" necklace from Claire's Boutique. I'll let you open a Facebook account, and then you'll find out that your superhunk FB friend "Griffin Fletcher" was really me trying to pull some black ops account monitoring.

We'll fight, but not fist fight ... maybe hair pull, and you'll get straight A's because you're brilliant and Asian. Then you'll go to college, and I'll probably poop in my big girl pants. Anyway, I know you are only 3 months old, and, as such, you wouldn't even know if it were me or Edward James Olmos looking into your crib. But looking at you, it got me thinking about you dating. And all this thinking has made me want to give you a bit of valuable dating advice.

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Date someone like your father. I say this because your dad is friggin' awesome and shows me every day that he loves me to bits. It feels good to have someone love you to bits. It feels bad, however, to overuse the word "bits."

Date someone who is good to his mama. It means he respects women and will respect you. He will respect you (cracks knuckles, shakes mace can).

Date someone with self-awareness. This means don't date a guy who sings the harmony to every song on the radio. Or winks too much. Or soft squeezes your shoulder every time he laughs at something funny you said. Or refers to a celebrity by her first name. This will get old quickly. Self awareness—you'll know it when you don't see it.

Date someone who makes you laugh. Hard. If you don't know this, then who are you? Who stole my daughter!?

Stay away from guys who substitute brown rice in their sushi or wear Lululemon men's loungewear. Eww, and ewwwww.

Stay away from guys who only date Asian girls. Gross.

Date a man who is genuinely confident and likes himself. This kind of guy won't look to you to make up for his insecurities no matter what his junk is like.

If a guy orders an upside-down caramel macchiato on a regular basis, you can date him. Just know that you'll probably see him in the fetal position at least twice during the course of your relationship. Maybe stay away from high maintenance guys.

Stay away from guys who only date Asian girls. Gross. And by the same token, don't only date guys who you think fit your "type." It's about the chemistry. You'll see that it is ultimately so not about looks.

Stay true to yourself. Don't compromise what's important to you and what makes you happy. If a relationship is not supporting who you are, let it go. It will either come back better or you'll find someone better. You can't lose something that is meant to be yours. That age old adage is actually true—if you love something, set it free.

Don't date Chris Brown.

I know you cannot yet balance that 90th percentile noggin on that 50th percentile neck, but when your muscles develop, and you continue to grow, and boys find their way onto your radar, hold your head up high, my darling. You are special, and you will always be loved. But for now, let Mommy-Edward-James-Olmos watch you sleep.

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