On a recent Saturday morning, I heard a cry coming from the
bottom of my stairs. "Help! I'm stuck. I
can't open the babygate! Somebody…" It was my husband. Stuck. Like a prisoner locked behind a 4-foot-tall fence.
So, my 2-year-old came down to open it for him.
We've had our baby-proofing in the house for about a year.
I'm not sure why, since the only person it seems to work on is my husband. The kids have long since removed the plate
covers, re-rigged the cabinet locks and have figured out how to
open, go under, go over and around the few remaining baby gates they haven't
already completely taken down.
So while baby-proofing seems to be an ineffective way of
keeping your children out of unsafe parts of your home, it works wonders on
husbands. This got me thinking: What is the best way to keep your home safe from your husband?
Toilet seat with motion detector. It rises
when he gets nearby!
For the little one, you want to lock that
toilet lid so your kiddo doesn't take a very dangerous swim. But for your big
one, you just want him to actually lift the seat. A toilet with motion detector means the lid
goes up whenever anyone gets close. That
puts an end to that inevitable moment where you step in pee moments after the hubs has dropped it there.
Voice response key chain. When he calls, it
Little kids love to play with
keys, a dangerous toy that moms and dads want to keep out of hand's way. But dads seem to have a gift for losing
theirs. So wouldn't it be great if when he screams from across the house, "Honeeeeeey, where are my keys?" the keychain answered? Thus saving you the trouble
of screaming, "How the 'eff should I know?"
Oven with automatic shutoff. It knows when he's going to burn
Parents do their best to keep
their kids away from all hot appliances, especially the stove and oven. But most husbands also do their best to keep away
from appliances, especially the stove and the oven. But in the event dad has his once a year, "I
should really cook more" epiphany, he's going to need to get into the oven or
stove. And about a second after he puts dinner in the oven, he'll forget he put
dinner in the oven—making a burnt meal highly probable. So with an automatic shutoff, the oven knows
when to turn dad's meal off (right after he presses "on").
Robotic laundry hamper. It picks up what you don't want to.
Most parents try to keep their
floors clear of obstacles that the little ones might trip over. But most fathers try to keep their floor as
filled with possible with shoes and boxer shorts. That way, if they need
to pack a lot of dirty clothes fast, nothing will be too far away. But the robotic laundry hamper keeps the
floor safe from being covered in underwear, and mom safe from wanting to kill dad when she trips on his shoes in the dark.
Car seat auto lock. It never forgets to
strap the kids in.
You've had those car seats
professionally installed. Those bad boys
aren't moving. But they're kind of
useless if the kids aren't buckled in properly. And sure, the hubs didn't mean to, he just kind of forgot to buckle the
kid's straps BEFORE he started driving. But a car seat auto lock does it for him, or the car doesn't move. And if that doesn't work, he can just ask the
kids how those car seats work. Lord knows they figured out how to get out of
them long ago.