became a stepmom, I used to worry about having more kids. I definitely want
more, and so does my husband, but those first few months of my new life scared
me. I was worried that my stepchildren would feel less loved if we gave them a
sibling. I was worried that Chloe, my 6-year-old stepdaughter, would feel
replaced because there was a baby at daddy’s house when she wasn’t there. I was
worried that this all-consuming love I have for Chloe, and her 4-year-old
brother, Trey, would waver when I realized what it’s like to have my “own”
feelings don’t really bother me as much, especially because my relationship
with the kids, and their mom, has become so natural. I no longer worry about
Chloe and Trey being upset or feeling less love from me.
Instead? I worry about my own
biological child feeling less loved than his or her big siblings.
That sounds insane, doesn’t it? The
thing about having my stepchildren is that when they’re here I am full-on,
100 percent in mama mode. I answer every
question that comes out of Trey’s mouth with a full explanation or Google
search. Every time Chloe asks to help me cook dinner, I say yes, no matter how
much more of a mess it makes. When they want me to play Barbies or watch them
ride their bikes or carry them? I say, “Sure, baby” and leave the clothes in the
dryer for an extra 30 minutes.
I know why I’m like this—it’s because we only see them every other weekend. So when they’re here I feel like I need to give it my all. I want to give it my all. Sure, there are days when I have to meet a deadline or when I’m just too tired to scratch his back until he falls asleep, but I always end up feeling immensely guilty. I tell myself that they’re only here until Sunday—can’t the dishes wait until then? I missed them like hell, and I know they missed me, too. So, is sweeping the floors really that necessary this weekend? It can all wait until they are at their mama’s.
Will every moment I spend with my own child be as cherished as the much smaller moments I spend with my stepchildren?
But what happens when I have a kid
here with me 100 percent of the time? Things can’t wait until he/she goes to his/her mama’s because I am the mama. When
I let my future little girl spend the night with her grand-mommy, will I be as
excited to pick her up as I am to pick up her older siblings? When my future
little boy asks me seven thousand questions SEVEN days a week, will I have the
same patience as I do with Trey and his questions every other weekend? Will every moment I spend with my
own child be as cherished as the much smaller moments I spend with my
My husband, David, says I’ll be
fine. He tells me that, while he knows I love his children like my own, I
really don’t have any idea what that love is like yet. He tells me that the
love I have for my own child will be different—not better or less—than
the love I have for Chloe and Trey, and everything will be fine. “It will
definitely be an adjustment,” he says, and I believe him, but I’ve never
been very good at adjustments.
I know that I will love my own
biological child like my whole being depended on it, because that’s how I love
my stepchildren—but will I be as good of a mom? Will I spend every waking
moment thinking about my kid, even if I get to see him/her every single day?
Will I be as patient, as loving, as eager to make every day with him/her a
memory when I never have to say, “See you next week”?
stepmamas out there who have their own children and can relate? Did you feel
like you were a better parent to your stepchildren than your own? I’d love to
hear your stories!