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Top Google Searches for Moms

Photograph by Getty Images

We live in a culture where Google searches are as much a part of our everyday life as the Kardashians. For me, and I’m guessing much of the population, it has cut out my need for many tools, ranging from calculators to maps to metric conversion charts to cookbooks.

Now that I have a baby, I’m a Google groupie. From reading reputable sources on official websites to quirky opinions on message boards, I can get sucked in for hours. Sometimes all I need is to see that what I am searching has been searched before. This is what a few days of my Google search history looks like.

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Search: Why don’t babies blink very often?

My son brought this to my attention about my 6-month-old daughter. So then began the stare-off, and she kicked our asses.

Search result findings: The most popular theory is that babies sleep so much that they don’t need to lubricate their eyes as much as adults do. Also, women blink twice as much as men. This information isn’t even interesting enough to be a party piece, but it’s something you can offer up in awkward silence when it’s just you and another parent sitting in a pediatrician’s waiting room. Or you can just keep this information to yourself and be eternally disappointed that the explanation is so underwhelming.

Search: Before and after Restylane photos

Findings: Restylane makes you look younger. Restylane is awesome. Restylane is expensive.

Search: How many miles do I have to run to burn off a Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme?

Sometimes I’m crunched (it took all I had to not put that word in quotation marks) and don’t have time for a normal meal. Or maybe that’s just what I tell myself as I’m biting into a large, faux-Mexican coin purse taco. It’s crunchy on the inside and soft on the outside and full of that runny nacho cheese sauce that they serve at 7-Eleven.

Findings: A Crunchwrap Supreme is 540 calories, 21 grams of fat. To burn off 540 calories, I could do 150 minutes of walking, 62 minutes of jogging, 45 minutes of swimming, 2 hours of roofing or 11 hours of vigorous, monkey sex.

I found a whole lot of community boards where women were asking for advice on what to do if they ate baby poop.

Search: What happens when you accidentally eat baby poop?

This somehow happened.

I found a whole lot of community boards where women were asking for advice on what to do if they ate baby poop, and that alone made me feel better.

Findings: Unless my baby ate dirt where pinworm eggs had been planted, I should be OK. And then, just out of curiosity, I searched “pinworms.” Don’t do that.

Search: What happened to the girl that the singer Miguel landed on?

Please tell me you’ve seen this footage from the Billboard Music Awards. Buttery-voiced singer Miguel tries to jump over a portion of the crowd, doesn’t make it, and lands his crotch on some poor girls neck. Go Google it now.

Findings: She’s OK. She was interviewed with Miguel after the incident holding an ice pack on her elbow, and he called her his “new friend.” But she’s now thinking about suing the lack-of-judgment-singer. Apparently, friends don’t leg-drop onto friends’ heads.

Search: How much mold is bad for you to eat?

Costco is great when you are a family of 10, but otherwise it only really makes sense for toilet paper and baby wipe purchases. I made the mistake of buying 1,000 slices of cheddar cheese last time I was there. We had only gotten through about nine slices when the whole package started to mold. I mean like, really mold. Like there was about a 2x2-inch area of green-free cheese in the center of each slice. I cut that part out anyway and put several together to make grilled cheese sandwiches for my son and me. But I’m pretty sure we ate mold.

Findings: Having searched this after we had eaten it, my fingers were crossed. But, thankfully, cheddar cheese and other hard cheeses are OK as the mold doesn’t go deep into the product. And if we did eat mold, as long as we didn’t get sick, we’re going to live. So that’s pretty cool.

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Search: I rubbed baby urine in my eye. Is that bad?

Findings: Urine in the eye is not harmful. It may burn a little, but you just flush it out with water. But, what if you opt to fall back to bed because extreme sleep deprivation has you unable to give two sh**s that you have urine in your eye? Well, as it turns out, my search revealed to me that urine has some great health and beauty benefits. Not only do people use it to clear acne, but it can be washed over itchy eyelids, as long as it had been kept all night in a barber’s basin. So, there’s that. And I guess that somewhere around the 1550s some Italian doctor saw a man’s nose sliced off in an argument and sprang into action by peeing on the schnoz before sewing it back on. That seems a little unnecessary, but I do know you should pee on a scorpion bite. Anyhoo.

When does the postpartum hair-loss end?

Can I get pregnant while breast-feeding?

What is the youngest age a woman can go through menopause?

Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney?

The search continues.

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