Hey you, with your face buried in your smart phone, getting
carpal tunnel from texting, totally oblivious to your little sand-throwing
hellion who’s tearing up the playground. I feel ya.
I live in California where it’s always playground weather,
so my toddler and I hit the swings about three times a week—more often than I
go to the gym, shtup my fiancé or get a good night’s sleep. Watching my kid climb, slide and initiate
playground friendships was adorable the first bazillion times, but then I kind
of glazed over. And sure, the obvious
answer for bored playground parents is to go digital, but that’s like wearing a
sign that says, “I’m not paying attention.” If you don’t want to seem disconnected, even when you are, here are some playground distractions you can get get into inconspicuously:
Watch. Channel Joan Rivers and conduct your own mental episode of Fashion
Police, nominating the best and worst dressed mamas on the playground. See the mom in yoga pants? As Joan would say, about 20 bitches stole her
look, but who wore it best? You can also
lay odds on when the dolled-up mom in the stilettos and pencil skirt will
topple over. Hours of fun.
2. Ogle the
Hot Dads. Locate the most attractive DILFs (Dads I’d Like to…) in the
park. Indulge in a little harmless
fantasy, possibly involving you two on a swing, naked. If you’re happily married, all the better—your
husband will be pleasantly surprised by your lack of headache come bedtime. You may be a mom, but you’re not dead, so put
the “date” back in “playdate”! Just
stop short of actually exchanging digits, or you’re going to have a daytime
drama on your hands.
Plan your next vacation based on the first geography-based name you hear.
in a Workout. You’re at a playground. You’re wearing sneakers. What’s
stopping you from feeling the burn with some jumping jacks or lunges? Just your own motivation, mama. If yoga’s your thing, where better to
practice tree pose than in the park? And if your children insist on playing with
you, a simple game of tag can easily be transformed into interval training with
wind sprints. Your ass will thank you.
4. Play the
Name Game. We live in troubling times. Almost every child on the
playground these days has ridiculous name—except, of course, your kid. Why not get some entertainment out of this
tragic trend? Game #1: How many movie
characters are represented today? Five
points for every Katniss, Anakin or Django. Game #2: Find a child who will
take 40 years to grow into his or her absurdly serious name. Oh hello, Imogen! Game #3: Plan your next vacation based on
the first geography-based name you hear. Will it be Brooklyn or Memphis for Christmas this year? Oooh Christmas…gotta add that to my future
baby name list.