Beleaguered moms are fond of pointing
out that they wear a lot of hats: cook, chauffeur, maid, nanny and more. Certainly, as a mother to a toddler, I have many
jobs, but since I’m performing all of them simultaneously, I’m really
half-assing most of them.
Here’s why if I were getting paid for any of my “jobs,” I’d be fired in a
Cook: After three years of catering to the tastes of my “client,” my
menu planning is limited to “foods that are orange,” “foods that can be eaten
without a fork in the car,” and “foods that take less than 5 minutes to prepare
when a meltdown is looming.” A dinner
party is above my pay grade.
Chauffeur: I do have tons of driving experience, but my “limo” is covered in
cracker crumbs, smells like wet socks and has a car stereo that only plays
Disney music and the occasional Katy Perry song.
Maid: Multitasker that I am, my method of cleaning usually involves
pushing around a wet paper towel with my foot. This leaves my hands free for
ripping out my hair while I yell, “Who knocked over this jar of honey?”
If your ailment cannot be cured with healing ointment and bandages, please call 9-1-1.
Nanny: There are things I’d expect of any
babysitter I hire that I never manage to achieve myself. These include brushing my daughter’s hair,
getting her to bed on time, and playing on the floor without ever popping up to
check Facebook. I am way too scattered
to be anyone’s actual nanny.
Nurse: My entire first aid kit consists of
healing ointment and little bandages. If your ailment
cannot be cured with healing ointment and bandages, please call 9-1-1.
Handyman: I think it’s important for my daughter to see that
both men and women are equally capable of fixing things around the house, so
I’ll hang a picture or screw in a light bulb. But when it comes to changing the batteries on those noisy toys with a
tiny screwdriver? Forget it, that’s daddy’s job.