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If I Were Getting Paid for This I Would Probably Be Fired

Beleaguered moms are fond of pointing out that they wear a lot of hats: cook, chauffeur, maid, nanny and more. Certainly, as a mother to a toddler, I have many jobs, but since I’m performing all of them simultaneously, I’m really half-assing most of them.

Here’s why if I were getting paid for any of my “jobs,” I’d be fired in a heartbeat:

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Cook: After three years of catering to the tastes of my “client,” my menu planning is limited to “foods that are orange,” “foods that can be eaten without a fork in the car,” and “foods that take less than 5 minutes to prepare when a meltdown is looming.” A dinner party is above my pay grade.

Chauffeur: I do have tons of driving experience, but my “limo” is covered in cracker crumbs, smells like wet socks and has a car stereo that only plays Disney music and the occasional Katy Perry song.

Maid: Multitasker that I am, my method of cleaning usually involves pushing around a wet paper towel with my foot. This leaves my hands free for ripping out my hair while I yell, “Who knocked over this jar of honey?”

If your ailment cannot be cured with healing ointment and bandages, please call 9-1-1.

Nanny: There are things I’d expect of any babysitter I hire that I never manage to achieve myself. These include brushing my daughter’s hair, getting her to bed on time, and playing on the floor without ever popping up to check Facebook. I am way too scattered to be anyone’s actual nanny.

Nurse: My entire first aid kit consists of healing ointment and little bandages. If your ailment cannot be cured with healing ointment and bandages, please call 9-1-1.

Handyman: I think it’s important for my daughter to see that both men and women are equally capable of fixing things around the house, so I’ll hang a picture or screw in a light bulb. But when it comes to changing the batteries on those noisy toys with a tiny screwdriver? Forget it, that’s daddy’s job.

RELATED: How I Put Down the Hammer & Stopped Being Such a Tool

Costume Designer: Moms are supposed to live for making Halloween costumes, but I can’t sew a stitch. I can, however, click on Etsy and Amazon.

Inventory Manager: As the purchaser and stocker of all household supplies, I can tell you exactly what we’re out of right now: everything.

Clearly, given my subpar job performance, I’d be unemployable in an open market, so it’s a good thing my family is stuck with me, and I with them. Love you!

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