You've just had a baby or, finally, you're deciding to mingle with mommies no matter how old your child is. So you decide to join a mom group. Because where else can you meet a large group of women in one shot who most likely have kids your age, live near you and are experiencing some of the same things you are as a mom?
Truly, joining a mom's group when my daughter was a wee babe was a great way to get my nursing, post-C section butt out of the door and among other adult humans. It was a great experience for me that I cherish. But still, I've come to learn that in every mom's group on earth, you are bound to meet these mommy types.
1. The Organic Band-Aid Mom
This mom wouldn't put a drop of anything on her kid without guaranteeing that it was made from something organic and completely GMO-free, even if it meant losing her house to buy that most expensive and rare diaper cream made from only the purest of the purest (insert ingredient no one has ever heard about yet).
She'll frown at your choice of just about everything and she'll narrow her eyes upon hearing you used bug spray on your kid last year. She might even worry about your own personal grooming and health choices to such a degree that you can be guaranteed she'll be emailing you "suggestions," most of which you won't be able to afford unless you get your baby or toddler to work in a third world sweatshop.
Everything is just ducky for this mom. Her kid poops gold—literally. Didn't you know? Her child never wakes in the middle of the night. She also doesn't have stretch marks, but she seems to know just about every cure-all for yours and loves to share all her little remedies with you. Her labor, the way she tells the story, seems to have happened via magic. It didn't hurt. Not one little bit! Nope, she's just meant to have babies as it were.
Life is always sunshine and kittens. Just take a look outside. In her world, it only rains Cocker Spaniels and Persian cats!
Her kid is, of course, way ahead of your kid and is already accepted to Harvard. They've even named a building after her child. Well not exactly, but you wouldn't be shocked.
3. The Panic-Stricken Mom
While we all have felt this way, this mom is in a constant state of anxiety. Maybe it's postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. Maybe she just grew up with a mom who worried just as much. Whatever the case, her kid's diaper rash isn't a diaper rash, it's a malignant tumor… in her mind. She can't handle the toddling stage as she's sure her child's head will shatter into bits and spell out, "It was my mommy's fault," in blood, so she makes her child a puffy suit to prevent accidents. Or something like that.
Her anxiety is so palpable that you feel her pain, but sometimes you wonder if she's overdoing it with those latex-free gloves she makes everyone wear before touching her child.
4. The Hot Mom
There she is. Walking into mom's group in her bikini. Sometimes, she just dives down onto the ground to show the rest of you how to do push-ups or burpees. She had abs two days post-birth. She manages to make leaky breasts look incredibly enticing, and you instinctively hate her yet want to be her at the same time.
She's incredibly nice and tells all the other moms how beautiful they are so you really can't hate on her.
5. The Grandmotherly Mom
You need this mom. She makes everyone feel good about each mom choice any lady in the group makes, and she always has the best advice. She sometimes speaks in a Yoda voice as if she is mentoring you and didn't just pop out a kid recently herself, so you sort of wondering if she's lying when she says she's a new mom.
She knows how to make any crying baby stop crying and she's got the answers for your most pressing questions. You envy her and want to be her!
6. The Statistics Mom
It doesn't matter what the case is, the Statistics mom has the numbers on every possible outcome, both good and bad. If you want to know when your child needs to hit a developmental milestone, forget calling the pediatrician. This lady has the most up-to-date scientific data you need to either soothe or unsettle your nerves. She relies only on science and not on instinct at all, and she loves enrolling her kid in studies at the university. One wonders if she secretly wanted to name her child Stan, as in "Standard deviation from the mean."
7. The Silent Mom
There's always one lady in the group who is so difficult to get to know that you have named her the "Rubik's Cube." She always attends group and events, but she's so quiet, you almost wonder if she's a private investigator some husband hired to listen in on his wife rather than a bona fide mom. She never judges, though she never adds input or asks questions either. Sometimes, she mimes her feelings. Since Charlie Chaplin was a hit ages ago, no one understands her yet everyone wants to get to know her. She's like the mysterious hot bad boy you wanted to date in middle school—appealing, but you have no clue who she really is.