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A Letter From Chelsea Clinton’s Baby to Her Grandma Hillary Rodham Clinton

Photograph by Twitter

Dear Grandma Hillary —

Surprise, I’m a girl! That was such a fun secret to keep. Mom and Dad say that finding out a baby’s gender is the last great secret known to mankind. But we all know there is one other great secret, is Hillary going to run for President?

My birth should not alter your decision. I’m not going anywhere, but your chance to be the first female President of the United States of America is. And let’s face it if you become the first female Prez, it’ll be a lot easier for me to become the second one. So I’ve decided to help you win.

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Some of your advisors are going to tell you to play down the Grandma factor, as if loving another human and offering to subsidize their college education somehow makes you seem weakened. Don’t believe them. Nobody wants to vote against America’s Grandma.

So I thought I’d enlighten you to some of the rules of being a good grandma and how to turn that into political gold.

First and foremost, a good grandma always brags about her grandchild even when the kid hasn’t done anything good. You should do the same. Even if I don’t read until I’m 30 or if I bite 14 children during my first month at pre-school, you should talk about me as if I’m the Bono of babies. This should not be seen as bragging. This should be seen as relating to the people. After all, every American has a grandparent or is one. You’re just one of the people now too.

You should also have at least 35,000 photos of me on your phone. None of them need to be good. Feel free to show them to total strangers, heads of state with whom you’re at war or adversaries holding up your policies in Congress.

A good Grandma is an expert in making others feel guilty. This can come in very handy for a President.

This is what politicos call distracting the enemy. After looking at 2,700 photos of me learning to use the potty, your enemies will agree to anything just to get you to stop. So break out the iPhone and share terrible pictures of me as often as you like.

Treat everyone like a child.

Really.

A good grandma treats everyone like a child.

Pinch the cheeks of your Chief of Staff. Ask the head of the United Nations if he has to go Number 2. And cut the meat of the Governor of California when he won’t cooperate. You’re not overbearing or needy. You’re establishing who’s in charge. And everybody knows, Grandma’s in charge. If she wants to cut your meat even though you're 39 and haven’t lived at home in two decades, you let her. And so will they.

A good Grandma is an expert in making others feel guilty. Even if they’ve done nothing wrong, a Grandma can always make her family feel like they’ve disappointed her. This can come in very handy for a President.

Anytime someone calls or visits the Oval Office, you say, “You never call,” even if they just called yesterday. If they vote against you, you shrug and say, “Well at least my cats agree with me.” If a reporter writes something mean about you call them and say, “What did I ever do to you?” They’ll feel so guilty they’ll be sending you an apology.

And when you’re not busy fixing the recession and keeping the world safe from bad guys, come hang out with me. I may cry a lot and throw tantrums for no particular reason, but so does everyone in Washington. You’ll be well-prepared after spending time with me.

Xo,

Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky

(The future second female President of The United States of America)

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