If you were a teen in the '90s, you’ve likely found yourself
in all those years since quoting lines from one of the most iconic movies of
that time: "Clueless." It was a movie that helped define a
generation, and is one of the most popular teen comedies of all time.
For today’s teens, however, unless they’ve
watched the movie at their parents’ urging, their knowledge of this iconic
movie likely consists of “that movie that inspired Iggy Azalea’s ‘Fancy' video." Sure, things have changed since "Clueless" and the '90s. Though the storyline and coming of age issues
of the film are timeless, the vernacular and antennae cell phones don’t
really resonate with teens today. How would
this movie be updated, how would teen culture be reflected by this movie if it
were made today, in 2014? Here are some
1. Cher and Dionne might be played by Ariana Grande
Ariana Grande, the Nickelodeon star turned teen pop icon, has that same
bubblegum charm and singsongy drawl that Alicia Silverstone had back in the
day. Rihanna has that Dionne confidence and edge, and similarly mesmerizing
looks. But let’s be honest, Stacey Dash
could probably still play Dionne because everyone knows Stacey Dash does not
2. “As if” would be “I can’t even.”
When Cher is pondering about why Dionne likes high school
boys despite the fact that they are pretty much like dogs who are “just like
these nervous creatures who jump and slobber all over you,” and then one of
them clumsily rushes up to her and puts his arm around her, eager to flirt, she
abhorrently shoves him off of her with an “Ewww! Get off of me! AS IF!” meaning “as if I’d ever be interested
in you.” Today’s Cher would implement
modern day lingo with a simple, “I can’t even.” As in, I’m so overwhelmed by this situation that I can’t even deal, or finish
3. Cher and Dionne
wouldn’t simply find Tai clueless, but they’d think she was a ratchet
When Tai, the new girl, is introduced to the P.E. class, although
Cher finds her adorably clueless, Dionne thinks she is “tore up” and cautions
Cher that by taking her on as a “project,” their “stock would plummet.” Tai was a “stoner girl” with an unrefined
accent who didn’t wear makeup, wore baggy clothing, lots of flannel and
neglected to manicure her brows. Girls
today would call someone like Tai “ratchet,” which is a horrible
mispronunciation of the word “wretched.” Or just another way of saying she’s “tore up.” Lingo has changed, but high school girls
being mean and judgey hasn’t.
4. Cher and Dionne would be each other’s “bae.”
Of course they would. This term of endearment is used with
5. The kids wouldn’t
be “Rollin’ With the Homies,” they’d be doing the Shmoney Dance.
You know you just did it. You did that cross the body hand worm while crooning (yes, crooning) “Rollin’
With the Homies” totally swagless. You
do it whenever the opportunity presents itself, even though that “opportunity”
never really warrants it, according to your kids. That famous party scene would be replaced
today with kids twisting and leaning all over the place, popping swagger to a
sick beat from the dance of 2014: the Shmoney Dance.
6. They’d stop to
In this iPhone age, no doubt Cher and Dionne and every other
teenager in the movie would be posing regularly for a selfie. From classroom selfies to hallway selfies to P.E.
selfies, with Mr. Hall or Miss Geist, no doubt, they would be the ultimate selfie
7. “Baldwin” would be
replaced with “Jonas.”
A really cute guy was a “Baldwin,” as in the Baldwin Brothers. And that right there is really dating all of
us that grew up in the '90s. I’m OK with
this change, because although it took me years to finally move on from Billy
Baldwin in "Backdraft," HELLO NICK
JONAS! (see latest photos)
9. No Contempo
Casuals, but Forever 21 or Brandi Melville
Cher and Dionne would likely do their retail therapy at Forever
21 or Brandi Melville, a label coveted among teen girls. And, in fact, they’d probably do a lot of
their shopping online, from their iPads. But shout out to Contempo Casuals, the name alone still makes us smile. For real.
10. Social apps would
That favorite scene where Cher and Dionne have a cell phone
conversation about their report cards (on those big ass, walkie talkie looking
phones) as they walk side by side down the hall would be replaced with a scene
of them kik messaging each other on their iPhones as they walk side-by-side
down the hall.
11. Cher would still
be saving herself, but not for Luke Perry.
Perhaps she would be waiting instead for Harry Styles,
Taylor Lautner or even Ian Somerhalder.
12. Tai would slay
Cher with a different but equally “harsh” insult.
Nineties Tai shuts Cher down in an argument with the cutting
remark, “You’re a virgin, who can’t drive.” Forget the “virgin” part, today’s Tai would only have to say, “You don’t
even have an Instagram account.” Oh
ex-stepbrother would be Brody Jenner.
14. Wardrobe would
be … less fantastic.
Cher and Dionne got fabulous with their outfits — from Calvin
Klein to Azzedine Alaia to sequins to knee socks to tailored school girl
outfits to fluffy pens, they made a statement. That over-the-top fashion would be replaced today by loose fitting tank
tops that say things like “Twerk” and “Hipsta Please,” skater dresses and really short denim shorts.
15. Murray would be a
16. There would be a
Amber wouldn’t have to waste her energy and hand movement on
her famous “whatever” W. She’d just use a
17. Cher would have a
popular fashion Tumblr or Vlog.
In this day and age of blogging and vlogging and “tumbling,” Cher, with her confidence and flair for fashion and style would have a
well-known, popular blog or vlog where she dishes advice on fashion, beauty and
even churns out a new vocabulary word of the day. #sporadically
Hmm, how about we just leave it the beloved movie that it
is? Aight, I’m Audi…