becoming a parent, you imagine all the ways in which you assume your life will
change once a kid enters the picture. Then when the baby is born, you can’t
remember how there was ever another style of living—it seems as if talk
of brunch, getting to choose the radio station in the car and deigning to think you might get the last cupcake ever
again are all foggy, hazy, lovely ideas perpetuated by those in Hollywood
movies or anyone smart enough to choose canines over children.
permeate your life like red food coloring in a glass of water, trickling in at
first and then taking over like a noxious weed. They permanently stain everything in sight with their forever sticky fingers, whine about how you
couldn’t force the rain to stop, and fall asleep the minute you pull into the
driveway right before nap time, and then refuse to get into bed to continue
sleeping because they insist they are refreshed.
One dad made a hilarious video recreating some of
the things kids do that adults can't, unless the adults wanted to appear certifiably
insane—such as putting lipstick on his cheeks and forehead to look like
a tiger and screaming bloody murder because he can’t get a sweatshirt over his
funny as it is, though, he missed these other 50 things kids do that parents
would be arrested, laughed at or institutionalized for doing:
1. Undressing. In public.
2. Picking their nose and eating
it. In public.
3. Picking their nose and wiping
it on something. In public.
4. Picking their nose and wiping
it on you. In public and in private.
5. Hitting, kicking, biting,
6. Walking in on someone else
who is on the toilet.
7. Walking in on someone else
who is on the toilet and demanding to be read a story or fed lunch at that
8. Walking in on someone else
who is taking a shower and asking for their butt to be wiped.
9. Carrying on a conversation
alone at full volume.
10. Singing at full volume in an
otherwise quiet space.
11. Demanding to be fed.
12. Demanding to be fed anything
but what was just put in front of them.
13. Throwing the food that was
just put in front of them on the floor.
14. Saying what they just ate was
15. Being bathed by someone else.
16. Refusing to let their face be
17. Asking the same question over
and over and over and over.
18. Sobbing inconsolably because
the Christmas episode of “Doc McStuffins” isn’t available On Demand yet.
19. Hiding without declaring a
game of Hide-and-Go-Seek.
20. Walking away from a
conversation while someone else is in mid-sentence.
21. Tearing pages out of books.
Especially library books.
22. Tattling (OK, adults do this, but at least behind your
back, not right in your face.).
23. Peeing on the kitchen floor.
24. Peeing in the backyard.
Because it’s there.
25. Peeing in the pool (OK, adults do this, too, but with a little
26. Telling strangers they’re
27. Telling strangers they look
28. Telling strangers what you’ve just said about them.
29. Telling friends and relatives
what you’ve said about them.
30. Ruining every surprise. Ever.
31. Falling asleep in school, at
breakfast, lunch or dinner or while in the middle of a conversation with
32. Picking up trash and putting
it in their mouth.
33. Carrying around a lovie at
34. Eating white snow, yellow
snow and all the snow in between.
35. Really, really caring who gets to go first.
36. Kicking the back of the seat
in front of you. Over and over.
37. Sharing compulsively.
38. Announcing every emotion the
moment they feel it.
39. Wearing costumes in public.
On days other than Halloween.
40. Informing someone loudly and
without notice that they are no longer friends.
41. Building couch forts.
42. Announcing a successful bowel
43. Bursting into tears when
someone else gets a gift.