If you are a parent of a child between the ages of 1 and 5,
then you may be familiar with the YouTube sensation that has swept the Web,
hypnotized your children and sucked you of any excitement for Easter. Known in
our house as "those effing egg surprise videos" it is the insanely popular and
lucrative business of opening "eggs" and revealing the surprises within.
If you happen to live in a cabin in the
Ozarks or possess the self-restraint to never let your toddler lay his eyes
upon these videos, then let me describe to you what this is. It is a plethora of
YouTube videos that feature a pair of grown man or lady hands, and sometimes
the man or lady hands' kids, unwrapping or opening eggs of several kinds to
reveal the contents which are usually cheap, plastic, choking-hazard toys.
There are so many different types of egg videos: tiny eggs,
giant eggs, plastic eggs, latex eggs, papier-maché eggs … eggs made out of
materials that are probably illegal in all but seven states. But my daughter's
favorite eggs are those of the chocolate Kinder Egg and the Play-Doh egg
Once the foil is pulled away, the chocolate shell is broken and the protective pod is opened, the magical, mystery hands proceed to parade
the toy back and forth in front of the camera and then show off any trick it
may have, which 75 percent of the time is simply that it comes with a base that you
set it on. Next, the hands help the toy do a few Miss America rotations, and
then it's placed in the background, next to the other unwrapped toys. And just
when you think it's over, the hands grab for a new egg and do it all over again.
Our relationship with the egg videos started out of
curiosity, but it quickly turned into a problem. At first, it was an egg video
here and there while I made dinner or while we were in the car, but then it
jumped to "Eggs on your phone, peez mommy!" on loop. So we recently imposed an egg surprise
moratorium. It's over, for now, but here
are six ways that egg surprise videos have changed our lives.
1. I hear the crinkle of egg wrappers in my sleep.
I hear it in the sizzle of bacon frying on the stove.
The crunch and crackle of the Kinder Egg plastic echoes in
my ears, in my dreams, in my being. I
hear it in the sizzle of bacon frying on the stove. I hear it when someone
grabs a water bottle aggressively. I hear it when the dude on the subway clears
the phlegm from his throat. It lives with me. And though I have just recently
put a ban on egg videos, it may take a few weeks to heal.
2. Several times throughout the day, each one of us
in the family starts speaking to each other in Disney Collector voice
inflections. I.e., "WOOuld YOU like a
GRIlled CHEESE sandWIiiich?" or "Have YOU seen my WAlleTT?"
If you don't know the voice, go to
YouTube and type in "Disney Toy Collector" right now. You will never unhear that voice. You will definitely start talking in that
voice. And you will never forgive yourself for opening up Pandora's box.
3. I pay more attention to my hands.
Most, if not all, egg revealers never show their face and
only show their hands. And since the only animated, human part you are looking
at is their hands, you notice everything about them. Oh, she
has great nail beds. That dude needs some lotion.Hangnail alert! And, I
wonder if she buys those nail decals at Costco. A handful of the egg "presenters" have
heavily embellished nails. Like, they kind of up the "egg" game with their
tricked-out nails. But by tricked-out, I don't mean with the crystals and
pearls that you see being done at fancy Japanese nail salons. No, these nails are done with a warm bowl of
water and a Sally Hansen nail kit where kid-themed decals take center stage and
change with every video post. As dumb and tacky as they look, I can't say I didn't eye the golden retriever puppy
nail decals I saw at Claire's the other day. And I diligently apply hand lotion now.
4. I lie awake night after night, wondering why I
went to college and then law school to make a third of the money that the egg
surprise ladies are making.
Yep, each night, I go through a
stage of confusion where I try to make sense of the egg madness, then rage
while I Donkey Kong punch my fist down on my pillow because I wasted thousands
of dollars learning about the Rule Against Perpetuities instead of using my
hands and a camera to make videos in a clean way, then it's deep sadness and
remorse that I didn't think of this idea. Then jealousy. And then shame.
5. Instead of having tea parties with my 2-year-old
daughter, we play "Let's pretend you are an egg surprise."
This game is exactly what the
title suggests: My daughter pretends that I'm either a chocolate or a Play-Doh
egg surprise and pretends to unwrap me and find a toy. It only lasts seven seconds each round, and the
toy is always Princess Anna, who we pretend to hug and kiss, and then we trade
egg/egg-unwrapper places. You would think this game would get old real quick.
But then again, you would also think, how is that Disney Egg Collector lady a
Every time I crack an egg, I find myself imagining that
instead of having yolk ooze out of the shell, a baby My Little Pony falls out
and into the cake batter in my mixing bowl. When I don't see the pony, I'm
slightly disappointed in the letdown, and then in myself for imagining this
very weird thing.