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When Gwyneth Paltrow's Vaginal Steam and Clean Carpets Collide

I’ve been a huge Gwyneth Paltrow fan, ever since seeing that voyeuristic picture of her naked on a balcony with her then fiancé, Brad Pitt. I mean, if she is comfortable enough to be naked outside, then she is my hero. I haven’t even seen myself naked, (either by accidentally looking in the mirror after bathing, or looking down at any point during a shower) in a decade.

So when Gwyn shared the virtues of a good "vaginal steam," I immediately had to try it, too.

I called every spa in my small, southern town (and by ‘every spa’ I mean Flo’s Hair Boutique), asking if they also had a "Mugworth V-Steam." Flo, herself answered the phone. At first she didn’t quite understand what I was talking about, but after some explaining that it was "Goop-approved," she told me that she didn’t have a V-steam, but that Piggly Wiggly down the street rented them. Who’d have thought that my local Piggly Wiggly would have the same holistic values as a Hollywood celebrity like Gwyneth?

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I hung up with Flo and immediately called Randy, down at the Pig, to ask if he was still renting out those V-steamers. At first he didn’t understand what I was talking about, but after I mentioned Goop, he enthusiastically said, “Of course we have them, Miss Jenny! In fact, your Daddy was in here just last week renting one for your mama to use!”

My mama? Even at 83, that woman is full of surprises.

I sped off to the Piggly Wiggly in my minivan and walked right up to Randy. I told him I was there for the V-steam machine that I had called about. When he gave it to me, I was confused.

“Where’s the mini-throne? The one Gwyneth used had a mini throne. There’s no mini throne here, Randy?” Now, Randy looked confused.

All that yoga and clean eating must have given her a titanium cervix. Because between the nozzles and combing attachments, my DIY V-steam treatment was not what I expected.

“A throne? No, it doesn’t have a throne, Miss Jenny. You use this standing up. But it does have a couple of hoses and several suction attachments,” Randy said.

I blinked twice, “Suction?” I said slowly, “Doesn’t that hurt?”

Randy looked off, over my should and thought for a minute. Then he said, “I guess it could hurt your back, if you're not careful. Take it easy, don’t try and clean every surface at once.”

I thanked Randy as he loaded the steamer into my car, then I made my way home.

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All I can say is that Gwyneth remains my hero! All that yoga and clean eating must have given her a titanium cervix. Because between the nozzles and combing attachments, my DIY V-steam treatment was not what I expected.

The upside is that the machine came with a free bottle of carpet shampoo.

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Image via Cinemablend

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