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I Saw 'Fifty Shades' With a Lesbian

I love to see movies with groups of women after several glasses of wine. It’s become a bit of a tradition that when there is a sexy movie or something gratuitously featuring gorgeous men, several of us get together and act like teenagers. It’s super fun and always ends in us standing around the popcorn stand slinging profanity and scaring the people around us.

For "Magic Mike," I may have given a tiny little lap dance to the ATM machine, and after "Fifty Shades of Grey," we couldn’t stop talking about how NOT edgy it was. Yep, that’s right, if you were at the theatre you were fortunate enough to catch such sound bites as:

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“How was there no ass play?”

“I mean they could have at least GENTLY fisted each other, right? You know, in a loving, consensual way?”

“He didn’t even put his dick on her face! Isn’t that most men’s first move?”

“I’ve done most of that on a Saturday night. With my HUSBAND. Snore.”

We all agreed that the redeeming factors were this:

1. Jamie Dornan is insanely hot. Especially when he doesn’t talk and just stands there.

2. You almost see his junk for a brief moment, which is mildly invigorating.

3. Dakota Johnson has great boobs. I mean, jeezus, you see them enough.

The supposed dangerous BDSM sex was so vanilla and fluffy.

This trip to ogle men was especially delightful because my hilarious lesbian friend joined us “despite all the yucky hetero sex.” I was thrilled to interview her afterwords, and we almost peed our pants talking about spanking with weird '90s braided belts and how the play room was lacking a large vat of warm lubricant for Christian to dip his ladies into. She shared her takeaways:

“'Fifty Shades' makes 'Twilight' look like '9 1/2 Weeks.'”

“The supposed dangerous BDSM sex was so vanilla and fluffy that in the play room scenes Grey might as well have had her snuggle with a kitten, because then there at LEAST would have been a kitten.”

“The most tension-filled scene was when the roommate, who initially didn't want a sandwich when Anastasia offered to make her one, then just TOOK Anastasia's sandwich, the ENTIRE sandwich, right off her plate ... without asking!”

“Anastasia Steele uses a flip phone. 'Nuff said.”

Here’s the deal: I will probably watch it again when it’s on HBO and I’m folding laundry. I may also think about cutting the entire movie into a 7-minute version that is solid sexy Christian and watch that all the time. I mean, well, you know what I mean.

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Although I did not hate it, I can’t give it two fists up. If Mr. Dornan would like to change my mind, however, I would be willing to reconsider under the right circumstances.

Image via Universal Pictures

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