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If My Dating Profile Told the Truth

I’ve always been resistant to online dating. Yes, I know that plenty of people have found love this way, and I’m not knocking them. It just never felt right for me. I’ve never believed that was the way I was going to meet the man of my dreams.

But it's clear to me that things have changed and that I have reached a point in my life where if I want to meet someone new (and I think I kind of do) I’m going to have to put myself out there in ways I never have before.

Because here I am, about to be 32 years old, a single mother to a 2-year-old who takes up an awful lot of my time. I work from home as a freelancer and spend most of my days in yoga pants. I go out maybe once every three months, and the only people I ever really see are my married friends. It isn’t like it was in college, or even just three years ago, when I led a life where I was always meeting new people and always getting asked out on dates. Now, I’m kind of a hermit. And it has been a really long time since I met a guy I felt excited about.

Cue online dating.

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I heard somewhere that the most successful online dating profiles are 100 words or less. The way I see it, that is already one strike against me. I have been known to send text messages that are longer than that. How much are we expected to lie about ourselves (or at least, bend the truth) when it comes to these online profiles? Because if I was being 100 percent honest, this is what mine would look like:

Cute Profile Catchphrase: Pretty sure this is a bad idea … and your profile names are already annoying me.

Age: 31

Ever Been Married? Nope. If we’re being completely honest, I’ve never even had a relationship last longer than six months. I mean, there were on-again/off-again guys who have lingered for years, but actual relationships? Six months is my record. And yes, I am fully aware that makes it seem like something is wrong with me.

My kid spends more time putting on her play makeup than I do dealing with any actual makeup.

Children? Yes, 1. I adopted her as a single woman, meaning that unlike most parents looking for love, I don’t have week-on/week-off custody. Nor would I ever want that. Truly, my heart goes out to those of you who have to split your time with your children. But you do have the added benefit of free time to go on dates. I, on the other hand, always have my little girl with me. So if you want to meet up, you are going to have to impress me enough to want to get a babysitter and spend time away from my girl. Good luck with that.

Hobbies: Talking about potty training, wiping snotty noses and corralling an unruly toddler.

Job: Writing and Editing. Before you ask, yes, I have written a book. And no, I don’t think you should read it. Unless you are interested in learning intimate details about my busted baby maker and my three most significant relationships.

What I’m Looking For: I don’t trust men who have been divorced. Or who do online dating, for that matter. I know neither is a fair assessment to make, but the former stems from experience (so feel free to prove me wrong) and the latter stems purely from hypocrisy. But seriously, what are you doing here? Be a man! Ask women out at the grocery store!

Beyond that, I’m looking for a guy who is intelligent, compassionate and open minded. You must love kids, while accepting the fact that I’m infertile and the only babies we will ever have will be adopted. But I do want to adopt more. As many more as we can possibly love and provide for. Eventually, I would also love to do foster care. So basically, I’m looking for a really (like, abnormally) good guy with a whole lot of patience.

About Me: I lack a filter and routinely say things I wish I could take back. My life is all about priorities, and as such, it’s not uncommon for me to go three days without showering in favor of other priorities. My kid spends more time putting on her play makeup than I do dealing with any actual makeup. And while I do think I clean up pretty nicely, those occasions when I glam myself up and really attempt to be attractive are few and far between.

I’m really only here because I’m afraid my lady bits might cease functioning entirely if I don’t start using them soon.

I would do just about anything for the people I love, but it takes a lot to break into that inner circle. And while I wouldn’t say I’m jaded, I am fiercely independent and probably too good at being alone. I’m definitely way too used to sleeping alone.

I am always busy. Always. If I’m not with my girl, I’m working, often until three of four in the morning. Every. Single. Night. And the thing is, it’s not like I hate that. I love what I do. I’m passionate about it. I’m good at it. So you have to be something pretty damn special for me to want to take a break from that, or her.

It may seem as though I’m not totally on board with this whole dating thing just yet, and I’m honestly not sure I am. I’m really only here because I’m afraid my lady bits might cease functioning entirely if I don’t start using them soon. These things can happen, you know. Vaginas just close up and die. And then what?

But don’t take that the wrong way. Because while I do miss the company of men, I’m far less likely to hop into bed with you today than I would have been three years ago. I’ve got a daughter. I can’t just be bringing dudes home all willy-nilly. Plus, shaving just seems like a lot of work right now. So you’ve got to earn it to get into these pants these days. And even then … you’ve got to wait until I find a babysitter. Because I’m not letting you anywhere near my kid.

Any takers?

RELATED: It Wasn't That Hard, No Lie

It is now perfectly clear to me why people lie on their online dating profiles. And also why I am probably better off attempting to stick to that whole 100 words or less rule.

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