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10 Reasons Why Lice Are Better Than Legos

These despicable little things have invaded my house. There’s not a single room in my house they haven’t infiltrated. This morning, I saw one in the car. When I got to work, there was one stuck on the back of my jacket. There is no escaping them.

I’m drowning in Legos.

I’m so over Legos that I’m making an audacious claim: I’d rather have a house full of lice than Legos.

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Malign me in the comments, write me hate mail, threaten to take away my children. Go ahead. But deep down, a small part of you—smaller perhaps than a newborn louse—knows I’m right.

I’m not saying I’m going to actively pursue lice. It’s not like I have an Amazon shopping cart full of lice sets for my kids. But given the choice, I’m this close to opting for those annoying wingless insects over the thousands of Lego pieces that litter my life. That should give you some idea how many little plastic pieces I’ve stepped on in the last few weeks.

Don’t believe me? Here are 10 virtues that lice have over LEGOs. If this doesn’t convince you, then you’ve never stepped on a Lego when trying to sneak into the kitchen to get more ice cream without anyone in your family knowing.

1. It doesn’t hurt to step on lice.

Legos, on the other hand, feel like plastic machetes gouging into the tenderest part of your foot.

2. Your children will never fight over who has the most lice.

My children, however, continually vie for the title of “Child With the Most Legos.”

3. There are whole industries devoted to ridding your house of lice.

Who’s coming to help me get rid of these Legos? No one, that’s who. The only strategy for Lego eviction is to pray your kids grow out of them sooner rather than later.

4. Lice come with special accoutrements.

If you get lice, you get new toiletries, like special medicated shampoo and conditioner. No one gives you bath products when your house gets overrun by Legos.

5. Lice can be contained.

The other day I took off my bra and two red Legos fell out.

Lice, while annoying, generally are contained to your children’s head. I’m not saying it’s pleasant, because it’s not, but there are limits to their reach. Legos? There are no limits. They’re in my children’s pockets, backpacks, beds, lockers, car seats, bathtubs, everywhere. The other day I took off my bra and two red Legos fell out.

6. If your children make a really cool rocket out of lice and it breaks, they won’t cry.

But when that super special Lego sculpture fractures into a zillion tiny pieces on the kitchen floor, my children cry and so do I (because who do you think will be picking those pieces up?).

7. Lice are gender-neutral.

How many times does my blood boil when I see the “girl” Legos (read: pink) segregated from the “boy” (read: Superhero) Legos in Target? You’re never going to encounter patriarchal gender bias (and rampant commercialism) with lice. You’re just not.

8. There are no lice amusement parks.

As soon as my family fell down the Lego rabbit hole, my son caught wind of the Lego amusement park. Now there’s pressure to schedule a vacation around a trip to Legoland. Lice never tried to co-opt my vacation plans, they just wanted a little snack (from my head).

9. There’s no annoying lice movie.

Look, Will Farrell is an amazing comedian, but you have to concede that "The Lego Movie" was basically one huge commercial for Legos. How is that good for my kids? As soon as Tina Fey or Amy Poehler does a lice movie, I’ll take this all back, but until then, lice win a point here too.

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10. Your kids will never try to sneak lice to school.

On a weekly basis, I have to intercept my son’s backpack and remind him that he’s not allowed to bring toys to school. “But Mooooooom, I want to show my friends the cool thing I made.” Out of Legos. Kids don’t want to take lice to school to show their friends. OK, maybe they would once or twice, but not every week. Lice wins this point too.

Image via Twenty20/cadetfilipino

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