despicable little things have invaded my house. There’s not a single room in my house they haven’t infiltrated. This morning, I saw one in the car. When I got to work, there was one stuck
on the back of my jacket. There is
no escaping them.
drowning in Legos.
so over Legos that I’m making an audacious claim: I’d rather have a house full
of lice than Legos.
me in the comments, write me hate mail, threaten to take away my children. Go ahead. But deep down, a small part of you—smaller perhaps than a
newborn louse—knows I’m right.
not saying I’m going to actively pursue lice. It’s not like I have an Amazon
shopping cart full of lice sets for my kids. But given the choice, I’m this close to opting for
those annoying wingless insects over
the thousands of Lego pieces that litter my life. That should give you some idea how many little plastic
pieces I’ve stepped on in the last few weeks.
believe me? Here are 10 virtues
that lice have over LEGOs. If this
doesn’t convince you, then you’ve never stepped on a Lego when trying to sneak
into the kitchen to get more ice cream without anyone in your family knowing.
1. It doesn’t hurt to step on lice.
Legos, on the other hand, feel like
plastic machetes gouging into the tenderest part of your foot.
2. Your children will never fight over who has the most lice.
My children, however,
continually vie for the title of “Child With the Most Legos.”
3. There are whole industries devoted to ridding your house of lice.
Who’s coming to help me
get rid of these Legos? No one,
that’s who. The only strategy for
Lego eviction is to pray your kids grow out of them sooner rather than later.
4. Lice come with special accoutrements.
If you get lice, you get new
toiletries, like special medicated shampoo and conditioner. No one gives you bath products when
your house gets overrun by Legos.
5. Lice can be contained.
The other day I took off my bra and two red Legos fell out.
Lice, while annoying, generally are
contained to your children’s head. I’m not saying it’s pleasant, because it’s not, but there are limits to
their reach. Legos? There are no limits. They’re in my children’s pockets,
backpacks, beds, lockers, car seats, bathtubs, everywhere. The other day I took
off my bra and two red Legos fell out.
6. If your children make a really cool rocket out of lice and it breaks,
they won’t cry.
But when that super special Lego sculpture fractures into a
zillion tiny pieces on the kitchen floor, my children cry and so do I (because
who do you think will be picking those pieces up?).
7. Lice are gender-neutral.
How many times does my blood boil when
I see the “girl” Legos (read: pink) segregated from the “boy” (read: Superhero)
Legos in Target? You’re never
going to encounter patriarchal gender bias (and rampant commercialism) with
lice. You’re just not.
8. There are no lice amusement parks.
As soon as my family fell down the Lego rabbit
hole, my son caught wind of the Lego amusement park. Now there’s pressure to schedule a vacation around a trip to
Legoland. Lice never tried to
co-opt my vacation plans, they just wanted a little snack (from my head).
9. There’s no annoying lice movie.
Look, Will Farrell is an amazing comedian,
but you have to concede that "The Lego Movie" was basically one huge commercial
for Legos. How is that good for my kids? As soon as Tina Fey or Amy Poehler does a lice movie, I’ll take this all
back, but until then, lice win a point here too.
10. Your kids will never try to sneak lice to school.
On a weekly basis, I have to intercept
my son’s backpack and remind him that he’s not allowed to bring toys to
school. “But Mooooooom, I want to
show my friends the cool thing I made.” Out of Legos. Kids don’t want to take lice to school to show their
friends. OK, maybe they would
once or twice, but not every week. Lice wins this point too.