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OMG, My Fertility Nurse Just Won 'The Bachelor'

Photograph by Getty Images

Arlington, Iowa, just got its 434th resident! "Bachelor" Chris Soules chose fertility nurse Whitney Bischoff as his farmer bride-to-be on the most dramatic rose ceremony ever to take place in a lantern-lit barn.

Up until now, the closest I’ve ever been to a "Bachelor" contestant is about five degrees of separation (my college roommate’s niece’s boss’s esthetician’s paralegal, for instance, featured prominently on Bob Guiney’s season). So I knew I had to tune in when I learned that a nurse from my fertility clinic was slated to compete against a few dozen sister-wives for the love of Soules, the handsome corn reaper-king of the 1.05-square mile Arlington.

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Like the pre-engaged Whitney, I live in Chicago, a bustling metropolitan town with running water and where people outnumber cows. Fortunately, that means access to cutting-edge medicine that allowed us to have our first daughter after two years of old fashioned trying, then Clomid, then IUIs and eventually IVFs failed.

Whitney is based out of our clinic’s suburban office. The only times my husband and I ventured there was for egg retrievals and transfers. Egg retrievals involved being briefly knocked out with some of the sweetest-feeling anesthesia known to man, so I always sort of perversely looked forward to those trips. Transfers called for Valium to keep the whole body relaxed and theoretically more inviting to an embryo; during the transfer that ultimately led to our daughter, I popped my pill, had two embryos turkey-basted into me, then (legend has it—I don’t remember any of this) ate a Snickers bar and passed out in the passenger seat of our Honda CR-V on our ride home.

In other words: Romantic. Just like "The Bachelor." (Similarity #1)

Whitney and Chris, may you find what you're looking for and never end up on "Bachelor Pad."

My point being, the only time I really interacted with Whitney was when I was barely conscious, floating in the space between the painful reality of not knowing my fate and the hopeful promise of life with a new babe.

Kind of like "The Bachelor." (Similarity #2)

Anyhow, I just finished watching the two-hour long final rose ceremony and Soules put a (Neil Lane) ring on it. Whitney and Chris are hitched. This is bad news for my clinic, as Whitney truly seems like an authentic, dedicated nurse who is passionate about helping women like me have babies. But it’s good news for Arlington, who, up until now, has only had one 5'11" lithe blonde bombshell—and she was a cornstalk named Maizey.

In honor of their impending nuptials, I’ve created a list of ways "The Bachelor" is just like infertility treatment:

1. A large group of female strangers spend enough time together that their cycles regulate.

2. Many, many shots are involved.

3. The same can be said for swollen breasts.

4. Producers desperately attempt to make an unromantic place romantic. (In Soule’s case, it was a barn filled with chandeliers, flowers and candles; at our clinic, it's a claustrophobic masturbatorium outfitted with a vinyl La-Z-Boy and well-worn Playboys.)

5. A man in an expensive suit oversees the whole operation (Chris Harrison; Dr. Kaplan).

6. There’s a special place where the magic happens (Fantasy Suite; petri dish).

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To be serious for a moment, I do wish this couple all the best. Whitney and Chris, may you find what you're looking for and never end up on "Bachelor Pad." And please, do give Maizey my love.

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