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What You Can Learn About a Man by What He Calls His Penis

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Help! I don't know what to call my 7-year-old son's penis. Seriously. I've always been a technical and direct kind of a gal. So my kids' parts are their parts. A penis is a penis, not a cutesy name or a clever euphemism. But at a recent girl's night out, the conversation turned to the hilarious subject of how we moms of boys refer to our son's parts. I was the only one at the table who called a penis a penis. Everyone else had constructed clever names for their son's privates.

But what happens when that little boy whose mom called his penis Mr. Wiggleworm grows up to be a grown man who calls his penis Mr. Wiggleworm? How will any woman hear this without erupting into laughter? And truthfully, I think there's a lot of assumptions one can make about a man who proudly calls his penis Captain Boner, as if his penis has just returned from battle.

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Since a man probably spends as much time naming his penis as he does his own child, there's a lot one can learn about a guy from the name he gives his little guy. So here's what you can learn about your man by what he calls his penis.

He calls it:

1. Big Guy

This is a man who likes to exaggerate. This same man probably calls his Hyundai a Tesla and describes Burbank as "The St. Tropez of the West Coast." And no he's not actually 5'11" tall, but you probably already knew that.

2. Foo-Foo (or any other name better suited for stuffed animals and lovies)

Any grown man who still calls his penis by the same name his mother called it when he was a toddler is probably way too close to his mom. If she can name his penis, what else does she have influence over? Look forward to a lifetime of miserable mother-in-law visits that involve her and your husband talking in baby voices. Ew.

3. Stan (or other accountant's names)

This is the perfect man for a woman who never again wants to have sex because no woman wants a wild night with a man who names his penis for a guy who wears a pocket protector. Spreadsheet jokes are never sexy, right?

4. Dick

A guy who names his dick Dick? Hilarious. Look forward to a lifetime of laughter with this guy.

5. Rex (or other would-be dog names)

Dog names are better suited for dogs, not honeymoons.

You know the guy who always makes dumb jokes at a party? That's this guy. Because he's going to think it's hilarious to try to make his Rex bark and you're going to be begging for his Rex to rollover and play dead. Dog names are better suited for dogs, not honeymoons.

6. Franks and Beans

A 12-year-old boy who calls his penis, and the adjacent parts, franks and beans is funny. A grown man who does it is immature. This is the same guy who collects comic books and the same guy who thinks it would be fun to spend your anniversary at Comic-Con. It's not.

7. Sweetie

A man who calls his penis Sweetie is the male equivalent of a bunny burner. In other words, he's crazy.

8. Helen (or any other woman's name that isn't yours)

A penis is not a cruise ship. It should not have a woman's name, unless that name is yours. And if your name is not Helen, exactly who is she? And why is she so significant that he christened his penis with her name?

9. Light Saber

Sure there are die-hard "Star Wars" fans out there. But naming your penis after your favorite movie feels obsessive, and the only thing I want my husband to be obsessed with is me. Plus inevitably a guy who names his penis his Light Saber is going to ask you to put on Princess Leia's gold bikini. I'm thinking most of us moms would rather wear a Chewbacca costume than squeeze into that gold bikini. So no, no, no, these are not the droids you're looking for.

10. Mr. Happy (and any other name that starts with Mr.)

It's great to be respectful of your elders by calling them Mr., but it's probably overkill to be so formal with your own penis. If he's not on a first name basis with his penis, there are probably some real issues there.

11. Anaconda

See "Big Guy."

12. Third Leg

See "Anaconda."

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So now that I think about it, I'm going to keep referring to my son's penis as his penis. That way he won't grow up to be the guy accused of wishful thinking when he refers to his penis as an anaconda. It's the least I can do.

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