Help! I don't know what to call my 7-year-old son's
penis. Seriously. I've always been a technical and direct kind of a gal. So my
kids' parts are their parts. A penis is a penis, not a cutesy name or a clever euphemism. But at a recent girl's night out, the
conversation turned to the hilarious subject of how we moms of boys refer to our son's
parts. I was the only one at the table who called a penis a penis. Everyone
else had constructed clever names for their son's privates.
But what happens when that little boy whose mom called his
penis Mr. Wiggleworm grows up to be a grown man who calls his penis Mr.
Wiggleworm? How will any woman hear this
without erupting into laughter? And
truthfully, I think there's a lot of assumptions one can make about a man who
proudly calls his penis Captain Boner, as if his penis has just returned from
Since a man probably spends as much time naming his penis as
he does his own child, there's a lot one can learn about a guy from the name he
gives his little guy. So here's what you can learn about your man by what
he calls his penis.
He calls it:
1. Big Guy
This is a man who likes to exaggerate.
This same man probably calls his Hyundai a Tesla and describes Burbank as "The
St. Tropez of the West Coast." And no he's not actually 5'11" tall, but you probably already knew that.
2. Foo-Foo (or any other
name better suited for stuffed animals and lovies)
Any grown man who still
calls his penis by the same name his mother called it when he was a toddler is
probably way too close to his mom. If she can name his penis, what else does
she have influence over? Look forward to a lifetime of miserable mother-in-law
visits that involve her and your husband talking in baby voices. Ew.
3. Stan (or other accountant's
This is the perfect man for a woman who never again wants to have sex because no woman wants a wild
night with a man who names his penis for a guy who wears a pocket protector. Spreadsheet jokes are never sexy, right?
A guy who
names his dick Dick? Hilarious. Look
forward to a lifetime of laughter with this guy.
5. Rex (or other would-be
Dog names are better suited for dogs, not honeymoons.
You know the guy who
always makes dumb jokes at a party? That's this guy. Because he's going to
think it's hilarious to try to make his Rex bark and you're going to be begging
for his Rex to rollover and play dead. Dog names are better suited for dogs, not honeymoons.
6. Franks and Beans
A 12-year-old boy who calls his penis, and the adjacent parts, franks and
beans is funny. A grown man who does it is immature. This is the same guy who
collects comic books and the same guy who thinks it would be fun to spend your
anniversary at Comic-Con. It's not.
A man who calls his penis Sweetie is the male
equivalent of a bunny burner. In other words, he's crazy.
8. Helen (or any other
woman's name that isn't yours)
penis is not a cruise ship. It should
not have a woman's name, unless that name is yours. And if your name is not
Helen, exactly who is she? And why is she so significant that he christened his
penis with her name?
9. Light Saber
Sure there are die-hard "Star Wars" fans out
there. But naming your penis after your favorite movie feels obsessive, and the only
thing I want my husband to be obsessed with is me. Plus inevitably a guy who
names his penis his Light Saber is going to ask you to put on Princess Leia's
gold bikini. I'm thinking most of us moms would rather wear a Chewbacca costume
than squeeze into that gold bikini. So no, no, no, these are not the droids
you're looking for.
10. Mr. Happy (and any
other name that starts with Mr.)
It's great to be respectful of your
elders by calling them Mr., but it's probably overkill to be so formal with
your own penis. If he's not on a first
name basis with his penis, there are probably some real issues there.
So now that I think about it, I'm going to keep referring to
my son's penis as his penis. That way he won't grow up to be the guy accused of
wishful thinking when he refers to his penis as an anaconda. It's the least I can do.