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If Amy Schumer Wrote a Parenting Guide

I have a complete talent crush on comedienne Amy Schumer. She's not just adorably funny, she's proudly inappropriate and unashamed. And while I know it may sound odd, when I watch her on talk shows, doing stand up or on her Comedy Central show "Inside Amy Schumer," I admire the fact that she doesn't seem to care about being appropriate, polite or politically correct.

Unlike me.

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I talk a good game but deep down I care what people think, especially when it comes to parenting. I want to get this parenting thing right and sometimes the desire to get things right can be paralyzing. I mean let's face it, when it comes to our kids there is no getting it right, right? There's just hopefully not getting it wrong.

So it occurred to me that I, and probably every mom, could find inspiration from Amy Schumer's seeming lack of concern for what others think. And while she constantly makes jokes about not wanting kids, I'm sure she'll someday make a great mom. In the meantime, I bet she'd have some pretty hilarious and helpful parenting advice. So if Amy Schumer were to write a parenting guide, it would surely be funny, would definitely be inappropriate, and might go a little something like this:

1. Good enough is always enough

Be the low-achieving mom. That way when you do something great, your children will notice and thank you.

When it comes to raising kids, set the bar as low as possible. Don't try to be the Pinterest mom who makes every birthday party look like a magazine shoot. Be the low-achieving mom. That way when you do something great, like remembering to feed the kids dinner, your children will notice and thank you. If you do that all the time, they'll expect it and you'll have less time watch "Hoarders" and "Teen Mom Reunion."

2. Never let your children eat food off the floor. Then you can't eat it.

Children drop food on the floor all the time. Every meal with a child looks like the child has been in a fight with himself. Your kitchen floor will always look like a Jackson Pollack painting. Don't ever let your children eat the fallen food. Tell them it's dirty, then pick it up and eat it yourself. Grown-ups need chicken nuggets, too!

3. It's always happy hour somewhere

Raising children can be stressful, just ask your nanny. So don't be ashamed to whip up a mommy sippy cup whenever you feel the need. It's always happy hour somewhere, even if it's 7 a.m. at your house. Plus wine is kind of like water, so it'll help with dehydration.

4. Don't do something stupid like exercise or diet

Moms have the ultimate excuse for why they might no longer be a size four: baby weight. So even if your kid is 37 years old, you can still say you're trying to lose that weight you gained while pregnant. That means you can eat whatever you want and no one will judge you because you brought life into the world. So don't waste the opportunity to eat more burgers than a NFL football player. Eat up. You get to blame your kids!

5. To sleep train your child, ignore them until they pass out

There's no need to read endless sleep training manuals nor do you need to hire a specialist. If you hear your child crying in the night, first wake your husband and tell him to deal with it and then ignore your child so you can get some sleep. There's really no need for both of you to be tired tomorrow.

6. Don't worry about being on time. As long as you show up eventually, you're still a good person

It's important to set realistic expectations and goals for you children by not showing up on time so they never expect you to.

People who are always punctual for school drop off or for play dates are damaging their children by creating the expectation that people, like you, should always be on time. And then when you're late for school pick up because you had to finish watching the "Vanderpump Rules Reunion Show Lost Clips," your children will feel resentful and angry. It's important to set realistic expectations and goals for you children by not showing up on time so they never expect you to. Things come up. They can wait!

7. Don't help your children with their homework

What are you—their mother? You already know how to read and add. Your kids don't. When they know how to read and add, they can sit on the couch reading People Magazine like you do. Until then, homework is for kids. Wasting time is for grown-ups.

8. It's OK to call your kids "What's your name?"

By calling our children by the correct name we give them the false expectation that they are very special. The heartbreak of realizing that's not true is too much for any human to bear. So start them off on the right foot, which is the wrong foot, by letting them know what it's like to have strangers have no idea who you are.

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9. Bribe your children

Some parenting expert gave parents the false hope that a child's behavior changes through modeling correct behavior and by behavior modification. This might be true, but it's very time-consuming. Who has the time to wait for kids to blossom and mature? If your child exhibits poor behavior or makes bad choices just bribe them with something shiny, like a new toy, an iPhone or a car. Even if your child is just an infant, your child will stop tantruming if you buy him a Tesla.

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