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Everything Single Moms Need to Know About Digital Dating

If you're a single mom dating in 2015, then you know by now that meeting that special someone is not what it used to be. Don't be scared, my fine, single-mom friend. Behold, there's some good news here! Dating in the digital age will spare you many indignities. This is because 99 percent of it will happen on your phone.

"#beware" Illustration by Emily Wagner

Listen up, you get to date without ever having to leave the comforts of home. Sounds perfect? It is. Because you can date while taking a crap or keeled over on the toilet with period cramps. Your best dates will happen while totally alone. Digital dating will rock your world because nothing about it has to be pretty. You can be comfy as a clam in in your favorite pregnancy PJs, while your kids sleep in the other room (or next to you), a mountain of popcorn looking adorable on the pillow next to you and legs so hairy even Sasquatch would lose his boner.

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Gone are the days of yesteryear, when you had to show up to meet someone. No more nights trolling the town for dudes wearing painful high heels and your best Resting Serial Killer Face, mumbling curse words under your breath. Forget about the blind dates of the early 2000s. You know the ones I'm talking about. Where you feign interest in yet another boring business plan while imagining yourself making hot love to that chocolate lava cake that's taking the kitchen forever to make.

Courtship, the awkward, early-stage dating where you feel the other person out, now happens without having to feel the other person at all.

In the digital dating world, the vetting process becomes synonymous with the dating process. By the time you meet your boyfriend in person, you'll feel so comfortable that you'll both be in sweats, chowing down stacked burgers in the parking lot of In-N-Out Burger. #dreamdate!

More good news: You'll be richer. All that money we used to invest in a first date to look sexier, younger and slimmer than the competition is now cha-ching in the bank. Remember when a first date meant a Brazilian wax, shrink check-in, mani-pedi and root touch-up? Forget about that. By the time you meet in person, you'll have shared so many selfies, as long as you look like 90 percent of them, your pubes get a guaranteed pass to fly free. But wait, don't start feeling all pimp-mama and dropping that saved change on a binge at Bed Bath & Beyond. The cash saved on first date grooming gymnastics will be offset by your investment in the single most important digital dating tool: a sexier, younger, slimmer iPhone. For me it was an upgrade to iPhone 6.

Courtship, the awkward, early-stage dating where you feel the other person out, now happens without having to feel the other person at all. Dry skin, don't care! It all happens through text, Tinder chat or Face Time. So that phone better be sexy and savvy. You don't want to miss the cop of a precious feel. And you may want to brush up on basic camera skills, finding your light and best selfie angle is essential. Take a cruise around your house and do some selfie light studies before you get this party started. It doesn't hurt to invest in a backdrop. A fresh pillow case in a flattering color is always refreshing if you like to chat from your bed. A colorful tapestry is a cheap solution to hide mounds of laundry or children lurking behind you. Don't be ashamed of the selfie stick if you need to go there, we all have.

Here's more good news to take the pressure off. If you're down with the program, before you finally meet your lover in person, you two will already have shared the best sex of your life. I mean, sext of your life. When you do meet FTF, IRL (face to face, in real life), you may feel surprised by how comfortable you feel naked with other. This is because you'll have already seen each other in various stages of undress and excitement (behold the Dick Pic).

"Just Out of Frame" Illustration by Emily Wagner

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Meeting someone in the age of human-less connection means a relationship built on a foundation of as little human contact as possible. The cornerstone of this foundation is your required fluency in the language of emojis. Words are so passé. You'll soon need to learn important visual semiotics, like how to express you're hot for someone. This is the universal symbol for jerking off (eggplant, fist, water drops). Don't worry, you'll pick it up in no time. And the best news? Thanks to Apple, all races can take part in the fun.

Stay tuned for Tinder: To Swipe or Not to Swipe?

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