Father's Day is a magical day that arrives once a year, and mothers everywhere look forward to a full 24 hours of leisure. I mean, an entire day where the fathers do EVERYTHING? Amazeballs. Plus it's a special time for children to bond with the other part of their DNA while he pampers the woman who carried them for 40 weeks inside her exhausted and achy body.
Sometimes your man gets a little busy leading up to Father's Day and forgets to pick up that brilliantly sentimental token of his appreciation for sacrificing your body for his lineage, so in an effort to make your day perfect, we have compiled a list of things he can do to make your day even better than last year.
Hot Tip : Cut out the list below and tape it to the Nutella, this will ensure he will see it the moment he wakes up.
7. Make sure the house is clean, dishes are done, and the laundry is folded
If mama bear sees any of these things when she arises in the morning, her day could be compromised and your bonus points burned in a fiery glare that will haunt you for months.
6. Greet her with a warm half-caf almond milk latte and her favorite danish
If you don't know what her favorite morning treat is you better text her best friend immediately before you get hit in the nose by a flying low-fat bran muffin.
5. Tell her how much you appreciate her for making you a father and giving you this special day to honor her
Ideally you should be rubbing her feet with a brand new Bath and Body Works lotion during this monologue—not the distracted foot rub you give her while you are watching "The Daily Show," but a REAL foot massage with BOTH hands.
4. Draw her a bath filled with rose petals and lavender bath salts you took the time to order from that BnB you stayed in on your Babymoon
Hand her one of those new mystery romance novels she likes so much, and put a little Sade on the Jambox. Don't forget to plug in the music so it doesn't run out in the middle of her bath, leaving her to listen to the Pomeranians next door bark incessantly.
3. Have the children arrange the bed and leave cards they have made on the pillow
Place a bowl of her favorite chocolates or potato chips on the nightstand with a fancy infused water bottle. For bonus points find the remotes and place those alongside the snacks so she can easily catch up on "The Walking Dead"—you know how much she loves that Daryl Dixon.
2. Write her a slightly naughty note and leave it taped to the rest of the chips in the cabinet (like she'll just eat the tiny bowl you left her)
Sneak tips from her "50 Shades of Grey" book by the toilet in the bathroom. You know, the one under the tampon box? Yeah, that one.
1. This is the most important one, so listen up
Once the incredibly thoughtful ideas above are in place, get the heck out of the house and take those crazy kids with you. Stay away until it's dark and don't call or text unless it's to tell her how much you love her. A thoughtless call asking her a stupid question will take you back to square one faster than you can say "Sorry." Don't risk it.
I can't wait to hear how all the mommies enjoyed their Father's Day! Did you take a huge nap or watch the entire season of "Bloodline" on Netflix? I hope you ate an entire bag of gluten-free vegan cookies while sipping a White Russian. You deserve it!