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With the recent release the "real life" Disney
Princes by uber-talented Australian artist Jirka Väätäinen, I couldn't help but take a moment (other than being totally
freaked out that Aladdin very creepily resembles my brother!) to ponder what
would happen if all of those magical Disney moments between the infamous
princesses and their men were real.
And I realized that a lot of them would
definitely not pass the test of real-life relationships, no matter how cut
those abs seem to be.
I mean, really, Eric. Get your head out
of the water because fin turning into legs really didn't change how she looked, you
know what I'm saying?
2. Keeping a fancy-schmany rose all to
If you're man enough to get yourself a
flower, be a man enough to share the love, k?
3. Stalking a woman alone in the forest
Not cool, Prince Phillip. Not
(Side note: is it just me or is
fake-real Prince Phillip kind of hot??)
4. Kissing a sleeping beauty
I'm pretty sure I don't even need to go
there with this one, thanks to a certain man who doesn't deserve to be named
and also who has ruined Jell-O for me for life.
5. Wooing your woman with food
So you think a 50-course meal with
endless, flowing champagne and desserts that I could only dream of will work to
entice me, huh? Oh, wait, this one is actually good. Beast: 1, Woman: 0.
Needing that much encouragement to kiss the girl
The singing frogs are a little much,
let's be honest.
Having better hair than your woman
I learned two things from the Disney
Prince reveal: that the Beast's real name might or might not be "Prince Adam" and that he has better imagined hair than I will ever, ever have. And
that's just not a desirable feature in a man in a relationship with a woman whose
hair preferences range from "stylish bun" to "haven't washed my hair in four days" bun.
Falling in love without the foresight to grab her name
Granted, she looked good and we've all
had our head-over-heels (one heel?) moments. But Prince Charming had all the
way until midnight to at least acquire the lady's name. And let's not gloss
over the fact that there may be some underlying foot fetish thing going on here …
Thinking you're god's gift to women
We get it, Hercules. The bronzed skin,
the perfectly sculpted cheekbones, the translucent glow that seems to accompany
your very aura—you think you're god's gift to women. Except, oh wait, you
really are a gift from the gods.