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Why Arie Is the Biggest D-Bag in 'Bachelor' History

Photograph by ABC via Getty Images

I tried to like Arie. Sure, I was disappointed that ABC chose yet another bland Ken doll (shoulda been you, Kenny the wrestler) for this season of "The Bachelor," but I was willing to give him a chance. After all, his nickname was "The Kissing Bandit." That had potential.

However, as I soon learned, Arie’s kisses were not about hot, sexy passion. He kissed girls to shut them up, because conversation is terrifying when your entire vocabulary consists only of “like” and “you know.” Arie’s speech patterns are so boring and repetitive that I believe he may be a programmable "Bachelor" robot developed to save money at the network.

Not only is Arie incapable of saying anything interesting enough to differentiate him from a Hollister mannequin, he also likes his ladies to keep their annoying thoughts to themselves. Remember Lauren S., the stunning blonde he took wine tasting in Napa? As far as I could tell, he gave her the boot because she dared to talk. Too much. About herself. God forbid people on a date actually get to know each other.

Then there was Jacqueline. When Arie heard she was planning to get a Ph.D. in psychology, he referred to her hopes and dreams as “another obstacle” in their relationship. Her brain was such a problem for him.

Not only is Arie incapable of saying anything interesting enough to differentiate him from a Hollister mannequin, he also likes his ladies to keep their annoying thoughts to themselves.

As we now know, he prefers a woman like Lauren B.—the least chatty of the four Laurens cast on this nonsense season—whose default expression is a silent blank stare because, according to Arie, she’s always “in her head.” (I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s pretty quiet in there, too.)

Given that this "Bachelor" is easily intimidated by educated and verbal women, it’s no wonder that he likes ‘em young. Fans made a big fuss about early favorite Baby Bekah being only 22, but let’s face it, all of Arie’s top picks were a good decade younger than he is. Perhaps Lauren S.’s real crime was being 31.

Whatever. It’s his choice, right? Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on the guy. He knows what he likes.

Oh wait, he doesn’t.

He straight up said “I love you” to two different women right before sexing them up in the fantasy suite. I’m pretty sure that is a "Bachelor" no-no. Did they forget to show him the handbook? Acceptable phraseology includes “falling for” and “falling in love” with a good sprinkling of “opening up” and “journey.” Telling two girls "I love you" is pretty effed up.

But wait, it gets so much worse. During last night's season finale, Arie faced the arduous task of narrowing down the field to one woman, despite claiming to be in love with both Becca (not to be confused with Bekah) and Lauren B. (not to be confused with Lauren S.), two women he met eight weeks ago. It seems as if Arie was leaning toward the basically mute but very blond Lauren. Then his family met her and thought, "Hell, no. How are we supposed to make conversation with this sedated American Girl doll across the Thanksgiving table for the next 50 years?" They voted for Becca.

So, Arie, after professing his deep love for Lauren only 48 hours earlier, goes ahead and breaks her heart.

"I'm extremely confused," says Lauren, after being dumped.

"I knew you would be," says Arie, being Arie.

Then, he proposes to Becca, telling her, "I choose you every day from here on out."

Which lasts, I don't know, 20 days? They don't give us an exact figure. All we know is that a few weeks after proposing, Arie meets up with Becca for what she thinks is a "happy couple weekend in LA" and he breaks off their engagement. The live studio audience watching with Chris Harrison actually boos.

Arie is so pathetic, he couldn’t even deliver an original “most shocking finale ever.” He basically just plagiarized Jason Mesnick, who infamously proposed to Melissa only to dump her in favor of Molly on "After the Final Rose." At least that guy ripped the Band-Aid off fast. Arie breaks up with Becca in an apartment, exits, then inexplicably returns to watch her cry for an uncomfortably long time. Becca tells him to leave at least five or six times while he just stares at her like a creeper. Biggest d-bag in "Bachelor" history. I rest my case.

Prediction: On tonight's "After the Final Rose," Becca claims her rightful place as next season's "Bachelorette," Arie wins back Lauren B. and ruins her life, and I swear to stop watching "The Bachelor" but forget to cancel my season pass. And the vicious cycle starts all over again.

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