If you haven’t seen Ali Wong’s new Netflix special, "Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife," you need to cue it up, grab some wine and prepare to laugh-cry while you totally relate to her hysterical quips about pregnancy, birth, motherhood and marriage. (You can use your sister-in-law’s Netflix account, like Wong does because she says she’s so cheap.)
Wong holds absolutely nothing back and we are here for it. Finally, someone telling it like it really is!
1. “It’s so sexist when people ask me, 'Well, if you’re here then who’s taking care of the baby?' Who the fuck do you think is taking care of the baby? The TV is taking care of the baby, OK? The windows are open, she’s got gummy vitamins on her lap, she’s fine.”
We’ve all been asked this question a million times. And many of us would give this same answer if we weren’t afraid of our judgy friends calling CPS on us.
2. “I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part, not too crazy about the mom aspect. That shit is relentless.”
But, seriously, some days it feels like it’ll never end, right?
3. “You get no 401k, no coworkers, you’re just in solitary confinement all day long with this human Tamagotchi that don’t got no reset button so the stakes are extremely high.”
Stay-at-home moms, raise your hands if you’ve often felt like doing a command-Z or pushing that reset button on your life.
4. “With a human baby, you just have to guess and check your intuition by sniffing its ass 26 times a day, and you can’t phone it in and sniff it from afar. You really gotta flip the baby over and plant your face in the baby’s ass and give it a good yoga inhale with your mouth.”
We’ve all been there. And admit it—you’re smelling that smell now as you read this.
5. “That’s how I know I love my baby more than anybody else in the entire world. I told my husband 'till death do us part,’ and not once have I ever sniffed his ass to check if he shit his pants.”
Man, that IS love. I’ll read that to my kids someday.
6. “I joined a moms group in Los Angeles. I don’t find any of these bitches particularly interesting or fun. But when you’re a new mom on maternity leave, it’s like 'The Walking Dead'—you just gotta hook up with a crew to survive.”
Yeah, I’ve been in some pretty whack moms groups, too. But Wong is right—even when we were close to ripping out each others arteries, it was good to have some peeps to go to the park with. #frenemies
7. “Giving birth ain’t nothing compared to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is brutal. It is chronic physical torture. I thought it was supposed to be this beautiful bonding ceremony where I would feel like I was sitting on a lily pad in a meadow, and bunnies would gather at my feet while the fat-Hawaiian-man version of ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ would play. No, it’s not like that at all. Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.”
Most accurate description of breastfeeding and its expectations, ever. And now I can’t get that song out of my head.
8. “When my baby girl would get hungry she would yank my nipple back and forth like that bear fucking up Leonardo Dicaprio in 'The Revenant.' It’s frightening. I saw that movie and my nipples were like, ‘I feel you, Leo!’”
Just hearing Wong do this 20-second bit on stage was way more entertaining than all 2 1/2 hours of "The Revenant."
She was like, ‘Are you falling for that bullshit slogan, breast is best?’ I was like ‘No, I do it because breast is free.’
9. “Apparently you have to get the baby to latch on at a very specific angle. You have to tilt their head and do geometry to get them on properly. And every time I would do it, it was like parallel parking—I don’t know how I did it, it’s a mystery. I was never properly trained but I did it. I just went back and forth and back and forth until all of these very concerned strangers started gathering outside of my car.”
This comparison of getting your baby to latch on and parallel parking is so accurate. Except there’s way less screaming and crying when you’re trying to park. Sometimes.
10. “My mom saw me struggle with breastfeeding and she was very discouraging about it. She was like, ‘Why are you breastfeeding? I raised you on formula and look how shiny your hair is.’ She was like, ‘Are you falling for that bullshit slogan, breast is best?’ I was like ‘No, I do it because breast is free.’”
She has a point—who doesn’t want free food? But then again, check out how shiny her hair is!
11. “I could not take [breastfeeding] anymore. By the end I felt like the Giving Tree. I used to not understand what that depressing-ass book was about. And now I know it’s about breastfeeding. It’s about a mom who used to have all of these beautiful branches and apples and then this little freeloader comes into her life, takes all of her shit and then she just becomes a sad-ass tree stump with deflated titties.”
Face it—none of us will ever think of "The Giving Tree" the same way ever again.
12. “Nobody told me about all of the crazy shit that comes out of your pussy after you give birth. You know what happens after the baby comes out? You know what else exits? Her house. Her living room, her pillows, the Bob Marley poster. All the food that went bad in her refrigerator.”
I died when I heard this, and then started picturing a baby in a womb sitting on a couch staring at a Bob Marley poster and my uterus started to hurt.
13. “They put the anesthesia in your back, and then they put up this curtain so that your husband can only see your human side, and not your cadaver side. And then 10 minutes later they hold the baby above the curtain like bloody Simba and its over. I was like. ‘Why the fuck did I do all that pushing for, when there was this perfectly good emergency exit?’”
I had two c-sections, and I can confirm that this is a 100 percent accurate assessment of what goes down. I just wish someone had sung "Circle of Life" when the doctor held up my bloody baby.
14. “I’ll tell you how I balance family and career. Real talk? I have a nanny ... We have to work very hard to not take care of our child ourselves. I’m all about putting the oxygen mask on myself before I put it on my baby. I like that protocol. I like that philosophy very much.”
Don’t hate the girl for being into self-care! Sometimes essential oils and a bubble bath don’t do jack.
15. “My husband occasionally changes diapers and when people hear that [explosion sound] omigod, confetti everywhere. ‘I cannot believe that your husband changes diapers. What a doting modern father. Lucky you!’ When my baby girl was first born I would do skin-on-skin contact every day to bond with her. She shit on my chest. Where’s my confetti at?”
We’re all nodding our heads, thinking of the last time our husband got kudos for “babysitting.” Yes, get the girl some damn confetti!
16. “Our nanny is 62 years old. Yes I would never accept anything younger than 62 years old. If you are hiring a 25-year-old pretty young thing to be your nanny, you are a dumbass. Do you not read People magazine? You don't know what’s up? That’s inviting a marriage grenade into your home.”
Attention, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck. And Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale. And Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke. And ...