I've got a love/hate relationship with the NFL. But that
doesn't stop a mom from shamelessly objectifying men in tights on the
field each Sunday.
Now that the playoffs are underway and the ramp-up to
Super Bowl 50 in San Francisco has begun, I've created a guide—a cheat-sheet (no
pun intended)—on the Top 10 to watch and why.
10. Cam Newton, Quarterback, Carolina Panthers
this guy is an amazing athlete (and he has a gorgeous smile—with dimples). But I
just can't shake the notion that he's a total douche who knows he's hot, which,
oddly enough, a lot of women love. Sure, he's a selfish, all the glory for himself
kind of guy, but he's a dreamboat to look at. Those massive arms could surely pick you up one day and carry you home.
Good-looking guy, even
better name. Truly, there is no better name in the NFL. Say it with me in
snotty French-British accent, Fitzgerald
Toussaint. I'd wager that, after the game, he sports a
hand-tailored tux, puffs on a Cuban cigar and sips Cognac.
8. Brock Osweiler, Quarterback, Denver Broncos
longer be the first-choice quarterback for the Broncos this playoff season,
but he's the first choice among the cheerleaders. When Osweiler filled in for
Peyton Manning earlier in the season, he became an instant heartthrob. One can
only hope he has as much drive off the field. Did I mention he is 6'7"—just the right height to be worshipped, I'd say.
7. Chandler Catanzaro, Kicker, Arizona Cardinals
to have at least one place kicker on the list, because they get no respect in the
NFL. There's no worthier kicker than Chandler Cartanzaro. Longish blond hair,
which looks even better with a baseball cap turned backwards. You might not see
a lot of him on the field, but who said we cared if they played? Look for No. 7
practicing his high kicks on the sideline.
6. Jah Reid, Offensive Tackle, Kansas City Chiefs
a pretty off-the field record (um, anger issues?), but this list
wasn't compiled for the good-guy factor. Loved Jah's long
curls, but his new cropped cut isn't too bad, either. Now I can see his brown
5. Mason Crosby, Kicker, Green Bay Packers
kicker? Super cutie Mason Crosby is known as a clutch player and already won a
championship with the Packers. Could this be his second shot at glory? Don't be
surprised to see him hoisted on shoulders and carried off the field in
victory. (Remember to take off your helmet, Mason, so we can celebrate by
gazing at your Josh Duhamel-ian face.)
4. Rob Gronkowski, Tight End, New England Patriots
new meaning to the position Tight End, Gronk's a meathead through and through. He comes across as a real hop in bed and get after it kind of guy. Luckily for us, "I need the
action" is his motto. Watch for him catching TD passes in the end zone with
his 6'6" frame. Gronk Touchdown, Homerun, whatever, we love him.
3. Julian Edelman, Slot Receiver, New England Patriots
Julian Edelman, how grateful we are to have you back in New England's lineup
after you broke your ankle earlier in the season. We have missed your sideline
bro-mance with Tom Brady, your zero body fat. Nobody pulls off the
black-eye look quite like you do.
2. Tom Brady
Part of the allure of loving TB12 is that not
only is he devastatingly handsome, he's also the GOAT—that's Greatest Of All
Time. He appreciates a fine looking woman—yeah, sure, we mean you, Gisele (as if you didn't
know), and he dresses up for Halloween
purely to scare his own children. A fifth championship ring on this man's
finger could make him that much more worthy of a mom's love.
1. Cooper Helfet, Tight End, Seattle Seahawks
alone, Copper Helfet takes this list. We don't know much more about how he
plays, but I'll be rooting for the Seahawks to make it to the Superbowl if only to extend the viewing season of Copper Helfet, he's that worthy of a swoon.
His season may
be over already, but that doesn't mean he should be expelled completely from our
list. It's a shame playing football gives you concussions and requires one to
wear a helmet, because it's hiding Tyler Eifert's face. This grass-fed Indiana
boy is your All-American dream. A breakout star this season, I'm told he has reliable
hands (in bed).