Dear Meghan and Harry's Unborn Child Who Will Never Be King Like Me,
Cousin, first let me congratulate you on the epic timing of your baby announcement. The choice was on point, friend! Everyone knows that babies are always bigger news stories than weddings. Announcing your impending arrival just two days after Eugenie’s wedding, which clearly stole her British Royal Wedding thunder, was wicked. Well played, you. I’m only jealous that I didn’t think of it myself.
See, cuz, I’m known for being an adorable devil in knee socks. Being wicked is my thing. For example, I like to play Pull My Finger with the staff. And I’m always up for a rousing game of Hide the Crown Jewels when I get home from school. I’m the charming hell-raiser in the family. This little future king has got wicked covered.
This brings me to my first piece of royal advice for you: Stay in your own lane. It’s a rule that every successful royal, loved and adored by both press and public, understands. Upon birth, a royal hoping to avoid having to work for a living must pick his or her own public persona. I’m prankster/finger-puller/thunder-stealer. My little sister, What’s Her Name, is the waver. She likes to wave in public so people think she’s nice, even though she’ll be gainfully unemployed for life and will live off the earnings of taxpayers. Pick a personality, and do it fast.
I’m the charming hell-raiser in the family. This little future king has got wicked covered.
Next, learn from What's Her Name and practice waving. You’ll do it a lot. Get good at bowing, too, because Great-Granny Queen, or Gan-Gan, insists everyone bow or curtsy in front of her. Ugh! When I’m king, I’m just going to have people crawl and grovel in front of me. So much better, right?
You should also know that being a royal isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. JK—it’s better! Sure, you have to wave and grovel, but you don’t have to get a job. And if you do, people treat you like you’re some sort of hero. I’d consider working for a day just for the public adoration. (Kidding, again. I’m never getting a job.)
Being a royal is just about the coolest thing a girl or boy can do, short of being God or Oprah. And Great-Granny Queen says we can’t be God. Trust me, I’ve tried. But we do get to live in Britain’s most historical buildings. We get to tell the prime minister of England what to do, whether or not we actually know what we’re talking about! Savage. And, on occasion, we get to do something good. Like the way your dad supports injured veterans and the way your mum opened the world’s eyes to diversity just by the choices at her wedding. Oprah at Windsor Castle? Go figure!
So, cousin, I guess my best advice for you is this: Pick a cool personality the press can latch on to so they like you ... and then you never have to get a real job. Wave a lot and make the people who do have jobs feel special. And then, if you have time, be like your mum and dad and try to do something good for the world. Everyone’s watching you, and Lord knows you’ll have the time.
Knee-Socks Wearer, Resident Hell-Raiser and Future King