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9 Very Important Questions I Have for the Makers of 'Paw Patrol'

Photograph by Nickelodeon

My children, like most of the under-10 crowd, have become obsessed with a show called "Paw Patrol."

If you are not familiar (and thank the Lord that you dodged that bullet), the show follows the adventures of a boy named Ryder and his six dogs who save the adults in a town called Adventure Bay from all sorts of mishaps. After repeated viewings of this show and being forced to sing the theme song to my 2-year-old as a lullaby every freaking night, I have some questions for the makers of this show. And yes, I do expect some answers.

1. How old is Ryder?

I mean, he lives on his own in what is basically the Space Needle with a pack of dogs. So, is he 20? Is he 14? Is he 11? Why is he on his own? Why does this town allow an unattended minor solve their problems?

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2. Is the Chickaletta the smartest person in the show?

If you aren't up to speed on "Paw Patrol," Chickaletta is the pet of Mayor Goodway, the mayor of Adventure Bay. Chickaletta is literally the only human or animal smart enough to run away when there is a giant dinosaur on the loose in the town and usually just waddles away from most of the crazy shenanigans. I like that chicken.

So, the infrastructure of the town is very nice, but there is no one there to pay taxes.

3. Who runs this town?

It is clear Mayor Goodway has no control over anything. I mean, her chicken is smarter than her. Is she just a puppet mayor? Is Ryder's rule more sinister than we initially realized? Is Ryder basically the Vladimir Putin of Adventure Bay but Putin back when that other guy was Prime Minister, but we all knew it was really Putin? Does Ryder collect all the tax money? Is that how he can afford the Space Needle and all the gadgets?

4. Isn't it animal cruelty to attach tools to a dog?

All of the pups have tools that they use to solve problems, but for some of the pups like Chase, Rubble and Rocky, the tools seem to be constantly attached to them. Isn't that a little cruel to treat your dog like some kind of drooling swiss Army knife? I mean, Rubble has a giant digger that just pops out of his back like no big deal, but you know it weighs more than he does.

5. Why is Adventure Bay a ghost town?

I mean there is the inept Captain, Mayor Goodway, the lady who runs the farm, that grocery guy and the obnoxious boy who is not Ryder, but where the hell else is everybody? Did Ryder kill off all his detractors? I mean, there are a lot of houses and businesses for just five people and some dictatorial tween (or however old he is) who lives in the Space Needle? Are there mass graves? Where are the bodies, Ryder?!

6. How does this town even run?

So, the infrastructure of the town is very nice, but there is no one there to pay taxes. There is no police force other than a dog. No garbage truck, besides a dog who recycles. Are they some sort of libertarian dystopia?

7. Mayor Goodway and Mayor Humdinger are totally having sex right?

I mean, I know the rivalry between the two towns is played up for the TV show, but they've got to be having a thing. Because the sexual tension is so rife.

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8. How come the dogs can talk but Chickaletta and the cat can't?

They are the only characters I want to hear from.

9. And lastly, Chase is kind of a jerk, right?

Because he's kind of a jerk.

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