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This Is What Olympic Events for Moms Would Look Like

Photograph by Twenty20

It’s that special time of year y’all: the Summer Olympics! Rio 2016 has been fraught with challenges from A-to-Zika, but the games have begun and the spirit of Olympic competition is alive in nations all over the world. Athletes are kicking butt and winning gold medals, making their countries proud.

But you know who else is making their countries proud? Moms, that’s who!

Not only do we physically make athletes out of our own bodies, but we also compete in all sorts of events every day. We don’t get four years to train and prepare, we usually get about four seconds to make split decisions that will lead us to success or failure. If only we could monetize these events and get sponsors, we’d all be rolling in dough instead of the various gunk and goo that come with kids.

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If the Mom Olympics were actually recognized by the sporting world it would look something like this:

Speed Showering

This event requires participants to start right at the beginning of nap time, escaping the nursery, dashing to the bathroom, stripping down while simultaneously turning on the water and praying the entire time the baby doesn’t wake up. The added excitement of this thrilling water sport is when the mom thinks the baby is crying (shower schizophrenia) and gets out of the shower before shaving her legs only to discover that the baby is sleeping. She must then sprint back into the shower, which can cost precious time, often causing the mommy Olympian to be disqualified from the armpit shaving portion of the race.

Sitting in Shallow Water Filled With Urine Relay

This team event requires other family members to agree to the relay. Mom enters with sunscreen-slathered baby as quickly as possible because swim diapers do not hold in No. 1, only No. 2, so if the athlete doesn’t want to lose points for getting pee on her uniform (flattering one piece, possibly with skirt) prior to entering the water she must move quickly. She then passes baby off to husband, aunts, uncles, grandparents or anyone willing to get in that warm and nasty Band-Aid-filled water. She then needs to get to her lounge chair for three minutes of sunbathing before her baby begins screaming if she wants to get the gold!

The only way to come in first place for this event is wipe your face with dignity and act as if nothing happened.

PeePee Polo

Quick hands and keen eyes are the necessary physical attributes needed for this event. Athletes must be able to recognize the signs that their son is going to turn on the hose. They need a cloth or diaper at the ready to avoid losing this very wet sport. Past medalists have managed to stay dry and have avoided tasting pee!

Food Archery

This event requires speed and dexterity, in this twist on archery, instead of aiming for the target, participants are the target. Some of our greatest athletes still get mushed up foodstuffs in their hair, even if they have been competing for years. Things really become difficult if the child incorporates a sneeze into their routine. The only way to come in first place for this event is wipe your face with dignity and act as if nothing happened.

Baby Wrestling

This event sounds simple but those little suckers are stronger than they look. Especially when wielding their deadliest strategy, hands full of their own poop.

100-Meter Laundry Dash

It's a challenging event that seems to never end. Participants must constantly sprint up and down stairs with tons of laundry, some of it covered in feces. Every time they run a load another is placed in front of them, often before they can finish folding the first. That’s what makes this sporting event more exciting than women’s cycling; round and round the launderers go but there is no finish line—ever.

Toy Hurdles

This is one of the events that sees the most injuries. Toys are strewn about in every room and the competitors must leap over the toys, but the trickiest part is they are unable to actually see the toys ahead of the jump. Too often moms are unable to complete this event without getting stabbed in the foot by what are supposed to be baby-safe objects. It’s a grueling event, particularly as there is no swearing allowed once the competitor's child can talk.

Floor Routine

This event relies heavily on the mother to be able to get up and down from the floor. Grunting is allowed as is showing of butt cracks. Once on the floor the athlete must be able to roll around, lift her child and most importantly she must not flinch when the baby spits up in her mouth if she wants to get on that winner’s podium!

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Balance of Life Beam

This is the trickiest of all of the events. Mothers must balance their hopes and dreams, careers and housework while precariously holding on with nothing but their toes because their arms are always full. It’s by far the most complex part of the competition and basically no one ever wins this event.

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