When Hillary Clinton ascends to the White House, menstrual blood will drip across the land as women everywhere will simultaneously remove their tampons. On this blessed day, which will henceforth be known as the Ascension of the Matriarchy, the blood seeping into the Earth will trigger a change in the very chemical makeup of the world and catalyze some real change. Some of these changes will affect mothers directly. Here is a brief list of the way the new world will work.
1. All doctor appointments, school and activity reminders will automatically be sent to fathers, who will rise up and finally take over these tasks as the default.
There is a manual override option for this change, but you have to really love scheduling and fielding an email chain of 200 parents all deciding how to pay for the teacher gift — and you don't. Under the matriarchy, you will understand that any joy you derived from these tasks was Stockholm syndrome.
2. Children will always ask their father first for drinks of water or for snacks.
3. Old ladies in the grocery store will ask men where their kids are and offer them completely unsolicited advice on the feeding and care of babies.
You can now shop in peace.
4. A deluge of articles will fill the internet about how men need to stop drinking during pregnancy and how their sperm has a biological clock.
5. All news stories with men will feature a segment on their parenting.
If the men don't have children, journalists instead will snidely refer to their longing for a family and babies.
6. Schools will be required to call fathers first when there is an illness or emergency.
7. Babies will awake at 2 a.m. screaming for DADDY!
All fathers will suddenly begin waking up with the kids in the morning and feeding them full and balanced breakfasts that include every element from the federal guidelines on healthy eating.
8. By law, potty training will become a man's job.
9. No man will ever have an opinion on the following: breastfeeding, epidurals or natural birth.
10. The man pill will work for all men, and for a while it will be really expensive and women will make it hard for them to get.
But not forever, just for the schadenfreude.
11. On pregnancy, all men will be given tomes of books on how to prepare.
12. All relatives will ask men about their children.
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13. Science will develop the ability for men to bear children.
This will become the default, and men will have to opt out of this option and then explain to everyone why they are requiring a woman to bear children.
14. All shirts will be made like maternity shirts.
Pants with buttons will be illegal.