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Perez Hilton's Parenting Wisdom

Internet blogger and gossip snarkster, Perez Hilton, announced he had become a dad earlier this month. Known for his biting commentary and snarky fake quotes written in creepy white marker, Hilton isn't exactly known for his soft side. In fact, he's known for quite the opposite, making him an unlikely candidate for "Father of the Year."

If there's one thing you need to be a parent, it's a soft side. So while Perez has always been a "If you don't have anything nice to say, neither do I," kind of a guy, we thought we'd help him out by using some of his own words to create "Perez Hilton's Parenting Wisdom."

Because the only thing more humbling than becoming a parent is seeing all the mean things you've said about other families in the past.

Congratulations on being a father, Perez! And ... burn.

"Did You Get Ketchup?"—Perez on pregnant Jessica Simpson, photographed at In-N-Out Burger.

OK, Perez. First thing you should know about a pregnant lady is never pick on her for being hungry and for doing something about it.

You didn't actually have to house your baby in your lady region, but as those of us who have had to, we can assure you—you get hungry. And you need a burger. And fast. And you don't need some blogger picking on you for picking up that burger.

As a new dad, surely you've already learned that feeding yourself is as important as feeding that baby. More so if you are doing both feedings at once. Which, as a dad, you are totally not.

"Stop It Dad You’re Embarrassing Me!"—Pretend quote from Jaden Smith while out on a date with Kylie Jenner.

Teen sensation Jaden Smith takes new girlfriend and reality star heiress, Kylie Jenner, on a date—with Jaden's dad, movie star Will Smith, trailing close behind.

Sure Perez, it's cute to say how embarrassing it is to have your dad tag along on a date, except when your dad is Will Smith. What would be embarrassing is if Will let his teenage son walk the streets of London alone, followed by 400 strangers with cameras. Your embarrassing dad is our good father.

Will Smith cool? Yes. Embarrassing? Not so much.

Let's see how cool you are when baby Hilton is ready to date the next generation of Kardashian.

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Girl, Don’t Joke”—Perez on Chris Brown who says he'd definitely have a baby with Rihanna.

Grrrrl, do joke.

It may be all fun and games to think of what a Rihanna/Chris Brown spawn would be like, except it wouldn't. Chris Brown is about as qualified to be a dad as he is to be a member of the clergy. Someday if you have a daughter, she'll date a Chris Brown and you'll pray it’s a joke.

"Bronx, Pete Wentz's kid, has a girlfriend"—Perez on a photo of Pete's toddler holding hands with a lady toddler.

OK, so a boy toddler is holding hands with a girl toddler and someone takes a photo, and puts it on the world wide Internet-o-sphere. And suddenly they're exclusive?

What if Bronx was just playing the playground and you totally ruined his game? Maybe he liked that little girl in the picture, but couldn't quite commit. Now, he's stuck sitting next to her at snack time every day until the end of time. It's so not cool.

How will you feel if your kid gets photographed a zillion times a week? And every time he holds hands with every Tom, Dick and Toddler, some blogger has them engaged. You wouldn't like it, Perez. So back off and let Bronx do his thing.

(Oh yeah, and don't photograph or comment on famous kids. They are just kids, after all.)

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"So good!"—Perez has a lot to say as Kim K struggles to dress her bump.

Picking on a knocked-up Kim Kardashian is like shooting fish in a barrel. And normally we'd join you. But now that Kim is sporting curves for two, we think it's best to lay off. No gal, even if she's famous (and let's face it, famous for nothing) deserves to have her curves picked on when she's preggo.

And finding something to "cover up" a bump isn't easy. You should know. Before you went on that massive diet, you had curves for two. And you weren't even pregnant.

"I'm exhausted, I haven't showered in days and I have food stains on my clothes."—Perez Hilton in about 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1

They say there are only two things you can count on, death and taxes. But you can also count on parenting being really, really hard. And you can count on not being at your best all the time. And you can count on someone blogging about it.

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