Internet blogger and gossip snarkster, Perez
Hilton, announced he had become a dad earlier this month. Known for his biting commentary and snarky fake quotes written in creepy white marker, Hilton isn't exactly known for his
soft side. In fact, he's known for quite the opposite, making him an unlikely
candidate for "Father of the Year."
If there's one thing you need to be a
parent, it's a soft side. So while Perez
has always been a "If you don't have anything nice to say, neither do I," kind
of a guy, we thought we'd help him out by using some of his own words to create "Perez Hilton's Parenting Wisdom."
Because the only thing more humbling than becoming a parent is seeing all the mean
things you've said about other families in the past.
Congratulations on being a father, Perez! And ... burn.
OK, Perez. First thing you should know
about a pregnant lady is never pick on her for being hungry and for doing
something about it.
You didn't actually have to house your baby
in your lady region, but as those of us who have had to, we can assure you—you get
hungry. And you need a burger. And fast. And you don't need some blogger picking on you for picking up that burger.
As a new dad, surely you've already learned that feeding yourself is as important as feeding that baby. More so if you are doing both feedings at once. Which, as a dad, you are totally not.
Teen sensation Jaden Smith takes new
girlfriend and reality star heiress, Kylie Jenner, on a date—with Jaden's dad,
movie star Will Smith, trailing close behind.
Sure Perez, it's cute to say how embarrassing
it is to have your dad tag along on a date, except when your dad is Will Smith. What would be embarrassing is if Will let his
teenage son walk the streets of London alone, followed by 400 strangers with
cameras. Your embarrassing dad is our good father.
Will Smith cool? Yes. Embarrassing? Not so
Let's see how cool you are when baby Hilton is ready to date the next generation of Kardashian.
“Girl, Don’t Joke”—Perez on Chris Brown who says he'd definitely have a baby with
Grrrrl, do joke.
It may be all fun and games to think of what
a Rihanna/Chris Brown spawn would be like, except it wouldn't. Chris
Brown is about as qualified to be a dad as he is to be a member of the clergy. Someday if you have a daughter, she'll date a
Chris Brown and you'll pray it’s a joke.
OK, so a boy toddler is holding hands with a girl
toddler and someone takes a photo, and puts it on the world wide
Internet-o-sphere. And suddenly they're exclusive?
What if Bronx was just playing the playground and you
totally ruined his game? Maybe he liked that little girl in the picture, but
couldn't quite commit. Now, he's stuck sitting next to her at snack time every
day until the end of time. It's so not
How will you feel if your kid gets photographed a
zillion times a week? And every time he holds hands with every Tom, Dick and
Toddler, some blogger has them engaged. You wouldn't like it, Perez. So back off and let Bronx do his thing.
(Oh yeah, and don't photograph or comment on famous
kids. They are just kids, after all.)
good!"—Perez has a lot to say as
Kim K struggles to dress her bump.
Picking on a knocked-up Kim Kardashian is like
shooting fish in a barrel. And normally
we'd join you. But now that Kim is
sporting curves for two, we think it's best to lay off. No gal, even if she's famous (and let's face
it, famous for nothing) deserves to have her curves picked on when she's
And finding something to "cover up" a bump isn't easy.
You should know. Before you went on that massive diet, you had curves for two.
And you weren't even pregnant.
"I'm exhausted, I haven't showered in days
and I have food stains on my clothes."—Perez Hilton in about 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1
They say there are only two things you can count on,
death and taxes. But you can also count on parenting being really, really hard.
And you can count on not being at your best all the time. And you can count on
someone blogging about it.