I'm cruising the Internet, wasting time in the name of research, when I come
across a story that catches my eye. Actress, mother, and international hottie,
Sofia Vergara wants to have another baby. But, at 40 and at the top of her
career game, she's decided physically this just might not be the right time to
house a baby in her very in-demand bod. So, she's asked her longtime bestie to
be her surrogate.
This news sends me into a tailspin.
It's not so much that I have any opinion on surrogacy, pro or con. Quite frankly,
I'm kind of a "birth and let birth" kind of gal. It's really none of my business who,
or how, you have a kid. But asking a bestie seems risky. I mean, maybe Sofia's been luckier than I, or
has better taste in besties, but I've gone through a few in my lifetime. One of my
bridesmaids in my wedding—a longtime best friend—randomly stopped speaking to me. Five years ago. And never explained why. Another got married and
dropped me a like a hot potato, for no apparent reason. And when I was younger,
I had countless besties go bat shit crazy and relegate me to the Island Of Lost
Sure, it may seem like Sofia doesn't need my help, but help I will. I don't want
Sofia's bestie/surrogate to go all "Real Housewives" on her and recant her uterus.
Or, worse yet, just be a horrible bitch.
A guide to picking which friend should be your surrogate.
1) NARROW THE LIST DOWN TO YOUR BEST LOOKING FRIENDS
Sure, sometimes a surrogate is just a surrogate and none of the baby
ingredients come from her, but you can't be sure. Of course your best
friend is gorgeous. And yes, you just want a happy, healthy baby. But if
that baby could look a little more like Cameron Diaz, and a little less
like Atila The Hun, what's the harm?
2) GIVE ALL POSSIBLE CANDIDATES A SANITY TEST
You know that "super fun" friend who occasionally ruins a party or throws
a toddler-worthy temper tantrum? Yeah, don't pick her. Or that friend
whose tombstone will surely read, "What about me?" Don't pick her either.
Or, that bridesmaid who stopped speaking to you? Five years ago. For no
apparent reason? Yeah, not her either.
It's great to be in denial about our friend’s "quirks" (read: eff'd up qualities),
but not when it comes to the future of our families. Remember, you're
going to have deal with this person for the rest of your life. And when your
little one grows up and asks, "Mommy, which of your friends made me?" you'd hate to have to point across the room at the lady crying in her
martini screaming, "What about me?"
3) DON'T PICK THE BIG MOUTH
There’s nothing better than having a bestie who's always got the gossip,
except when the gossip is about you. Hiring a surrogate is nothing to be
ashamed of, but maybe you don't need the UPS Man, someone else's dentist, and the entire nail salon to know the inner workings of your
family's fertility. So keep gossiping with your bestie after drop-off at pre-school, but she's not the right one to house your sweet baby.
4) HIGH MAINTANENCE BESTIES NEED NOT APPLY
Remember when your bestie got a hangnail and needed three weeks of
Vicadin and an in-home nurse? Guess what she's going to be like
pregnant. Right, she's going to be a total pain the ass. For nine months,
which is actually 10 months, even though no one tells you that.
So look for the friend who ran a marathon on a broken toe or joined the
Amy just so she could get in shape. Pregnancy will feel like a vacation to
her. And labor will feel like just another day at the office.
Right about now, you've probably gone through your best friend Rolodex and
come to the same conclusion I did; it's going to be tough to find a best friend
who's also the best surrogate. Were it me, I'd go with a stranger. Who I never
have to see again after the baby's born, should she turn out to be a high
maintenance gossip who lives in a place called Crazy Town.
But Sofia, you do it your way. And by the way, if you're looking for a new bestie
who doesn't have to give birth to your future child, I'm available. And, I'm not
terribly high maintenance.