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Celebrity Mom Watch: Sofia Vergara

Photograph by Getty Images

I'm cruising the Internet, wasting time in the name of research, when I come across a story that catches my eye. Actress, mother, and international hottie, Sofia Vergara wants to have another baby. But, at 40 and at the top of her career game, she's decided physically this just might not be the right time to house a baby in her very in-demand bod. So, she's asked her longtime bestie to be her surrogate.

This news sends me into a tailspin.

It's not so much that I have any opinion on surrogacy, pro or con. Quite frankly, I'm kind of a "birth and let birth" kind of gal. It's really none of my business who, or how, you have a kid. But asking a bestie seems risky. I mean, maybe Sofia's been luckier than I, or has better taste in besties, but I've gone through a few in my lifetime. One of my bridesmaids in my wedding—a longtime best friend—randomly stopped speaking to me. Five years ago. And never explained why. Another got married and dropped me a like a hot potato, for no apparent reason. And when I was younger, I had countless besties go bat shit crazy and relegate me to the Island Of Lost Best Friends.

Sure, it may seem like Sofia doesn't need my help, but help I will. I don't want Sofia's bestie/surrogate to go all "Real Housewives" on her and recant her uterus. Or, worse yet, just be a horrible bitch.

RELATED: Celebrities With Surrogates

A guide to picking which friend should be your surrogate.

1) NARROW THE LIST DOWN TO YOUR BEST LOOKING FRIENDS

Sure, sometimes a surrogate is just a surrogate and none of the baby ingredients come from her, but you can't be sure. Of course your best friend is gorgeous. And yes, you just want a happy, healthy baby. But if that baby could look a little more like Cameron Diaz, and a little less like Atila The Hun, what's the harm?

2) GIVE ALL POSSIBLE CANDIDATES A SANITY TEST

You know that "super fun" friend who occasionally ruins a party or throws a toddler-worthy temper tantrum? Yeah, don't pick her. Or that friend whose tombstone will surely read, "What about me?" Don't pick her either. Or, that bridesmaid who stopped speaking to you? Five years ago. For no apparent reason? Yeah, not her either.

It's great to be in denial about our friend’s "quirks" (read: eff'd up qualities), but not when it comes to the future of our families. Remember, you're going to have deal with this person for the rest of your life. And when your little one grows up and asks, "Mommy, which of your friends made me?" you'd hate to have to point across the room at the lady crying in her martini screaming, "What about me?"

3) DON'T PICK THE BIG MOUTH

There’s nothing better than having a bestie who's always got the gossip, except when the gossip is about you. Hiring a surrogate is nothing to be ashamed of, but maybe you don't need the UPS Man, someone else's dentist, and the entire nail salon to know the inner workings of your family's fertility. So keep gossiping with your bestie after drop-off at pre-school, but she's not the right one to house your sweet baby.

4) HIGH MAINTANENCE BESTIES NEED NOT APPLY

Remember when your bestie got a hangnail and needed three weeks of Vicadin and an in-home nurse? Guess what she's going to be like pregnant. Right, she's going to be a total pain the ass. For nine months, which is actually 10 months, even though no one tells you that.

So look for the friend who ran a marathon on a broken toe or joined the Amy just so she could get in shape. Pregnancy will feel like a vacation to her. And labor will feel like just another day at the office.

RELATED: My Daughter Is a Mean Girl

Right about now, you've probably gone through your best friend Rolodex and come to the same conclusion I did; it's going to be tough to find a best friend who's also the best surrogate. Were it me, I'd go with a stranger. Who I never have to see again after the baby's born, should she turn out to be a high maintenance gossip who lives in a place called Crazy Town.

But Sofia, you do it your way. And by the way, if you're looking for a new bestie who doesn't have to give birth to your future child, I'm available. And, I'm not terribly high maintenance.

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