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Cheating at Disney World & Other Things I'd Do if I Were a Horrible Mom

I’m disgusted, I think. According the New York Post, a few uber-wealthy Manhattan moms have found a way to cut the lines (and their children’s wait time) at Disney World by hiring handicapped docents to pose as family members. With a handicapped “family member” in tow, the super rich (super savvy? or just plain super creepy?) moms cut their family’s wait time on rides down to basically none at all.

I can’t tell if I’m appalled, or jealous I didn’t think of it first.

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You see, this goes into the category of “thought bubble” behavior. In my mind, I want to be that mom who sees an opportunity—in this case a very expensive opportunity ($130 per hour up to over $1000 for the day) in a wheelchair—and takes it. I want to be that person that thinks, “If I don’t do it somebody else will.” I want to be that person, like these Manhattan mamas, who only look back to see all the people she passed still waiting in line.

But, I can’t.

I’m one of those unlucky saps, cursed with a guilty conscience. I once tasted a yogurt covered pretzel from one of those grocery store bulk bins and I felt so bad I wrote a letter to the manager of the store and offered to work off the theft. He said he didn’t know about my "theft" until I wrote that letter and then threatened to arrest me.

But I can’t help but feel a little jealous of these NY ladies. While I’m waiting in the baking sun for “It’s A Small World,” they’d be “limping” past me, lapping me for the third time. As I read the story, I wonder what it would be like to be a conscience-free mom.

Here’s the things I might do.

1) Take My Newborn Trick Or Treating

I know what you’re thinking, candy is terrible for kid’s teeth, and isn’t it close to child abuse to give candy to a newborn? Yes! That’s why I’m not giving candy to my baby. I’m giving it to me. But when those neighbors get one look at my cute little infant dressing up like a lion, they’ll be parting with those Mars Bars faster than I can say, “She’s not on solid food yet.”

I wonder what it would be like to be a conscience-free mom.

2) Take My Kid To The "Kids Eat Free" Restaurant

While I’ll order the cheapest item on the menu, water (or iceberg lettuce if the waitress is a real stickler), my very small child would like the lobster, steak, side of shrimp scampi, and the double-burger in a to go box, if you please. Sure, that stickler of a waitress will think my kiddo is a binge eater, but at least I won’t have to pay for all that food.

3) Pregnancy Parking

Okay, I haven’t been pregnant in over two years and I have no plans to be, but the parking lot guy at Toys 'R' Us or any other place with “pregnancy parking” doesn’t know that and won’t dare ask. So I’m putting on my biggest empire waist top and I’m parking close. The world owes me. Two weeks after my daughter was born, the cashier at the grocery store asked me when the baby was coming. See? I told you the world owes me.

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And yes;

4) Cut The Lines At Disney World With My Handicapped “Family Friend”

The real crime is that Disney is making me wait two hours in the cancer causing sun, not that I’ve found a way to buck the system. Judge me all you want, but when me and my kid are yucking it up at the top of the Matterhorn and you’re still trying to get inside the park, you’ll look at the guy cruising by in the wheelchair with envy. Sure, he may be a fake “family friend,” but he could be your fake “family friend.”

As I think about all the things I’d do if I weren’t an honest mom, I reconsider. I can get my own Halloween candy, I can walk the extra mile in the parking lot and I can pay for my own dinner. But Disney World, that’s another story. You've got to admit it, wouldn’t you pay anything just to get out of those lines? Yeah, me too.

Image via SamHowzit/Flickr

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