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Taylor vs. Keanu: Heartthrob Throw Down

Photograph by Rex / Rex USA

Lately, I’ve been hearing all kinds of opinions from my niece, my friends’ daughters and my 11-year old son’s female friends, about which young Hollywood celebs are considered the dreamiest teens of today. Yup, tween girls are innocently crushing on Hollywood hunks just as we did when we were their age. But, how do the heartthrobs of today match up to the ones of our days?

Taylor Lautner vs. Keanu Reeves

So, Taylor Lautner is a muscular werewolf, whose dark hair and sexy poses make it somehow OK that he is often only wearing jeans and baby oil, post-'90s. Well, the little ladies of today may have a perfectly chiseled no-chest-hair wolf, but we had Keanu whose dark features were just as enticing, whose acting was just as totally forced, and who held his own next to Swayze in a wetsuit. Though he never really shook his Bill and Ted mannerisms or “dude” voice, he did manage to master the low, whisper-voice to successfully pull off blockbuster hits like Speed and The Matrix.

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One Direction vs. New Kids on the Block

One Direction is basically Harry Styles, right? And he has thick, curly hair to die for. But does he kind of, just a little, resemble a young, brunette Meg Ryan? Admittedly, the only One Direction song I know is that generic sounding, “You don’t know you're beautiful ... ” song which sounds straight out of a modern, high school adaptation of Grease. But even though Harry has that cute, Brit, pop thing going on, we had Jordan and Jonathon Knight, Mark Wahlberg’s older brother, starry-eyed Joey McIntyre and that guy that looks like he’s related to Ben Stiller. They were harder, Boston boys with much edgier accents who gave us unforgettable hits like: “The Right Stuff,” “Step By Step,” “Hangin’ Tough,” and “Please Don’t Go, Girl.” The One Direction song inspires me to clap two times to the right and then once to the left. On the other hand, NKOTB songs have me breaking out a sweet dance medley, which includes the Roger Rabbit, Robocop and the Cabbage Patch.

Kiefer would never have fallen for Kristen Stewart

Tom Cruise vs. Tom Cruise

Somehow, Jack Reacher still looks the same age as Maverick. Please help me make sense of this!!

Robert Pattinson vs. Kiefer Sutherland

There is no debate. Kiefer was the hotter vampire. I don’t really know much about Twilight. I’m pretty sure Robert and Kiefer are two different types of vampire characters, but it doesn’t matter. Kiefer would never have fallen for Kristen Stewart, who always looks like her parents just told her that unless she attends red carpet events, she would be banned from going to Hot Topic again. Kiefer gave me nightmares, in a good way. I could tell he really wanted to drink my blood! Pattinson just wants some pomade, a Chai Tea Latte and a long hug.

Zac Efron vs. Zack Morris

I must admit, I am a fan of Zac Efron. I watched High School Musical with my son like 23 times and still have the “All in This Together” dance they did at the end memorized. He’s a talented and charismatic guy. I even liked him enough to watch that ridiculous movie 17 Again with Matthew Perry. And then I also watched Charlie St. Cloud (sheepish face). I guess, Efron wins, because Zack Morris isn’t even his real name, but everyone I know still refers to him that way. Maybe it’s because his real name, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, is so douchy sounding. A hyphen between “Mark” and “Paul.” Really??

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Will and Jaden Smith vs. Corey Haim and Corey Feldman

These two sets of picture pals love(d) starring in movies together. Though they tried to ride it out too long with their reality show, “The Two Coreys” the Corey duo was pretty entertaining in their prime, and they did some good movies like The Lost Boys (Team Kiefer) and License to Drive. Sadly the duo can be no more as Haim died in 2010. Will and Jaden were adorbs in The Pursuit of Happyness but After Earth has everyone confused. I really want to be a fan of Will and Jaden as I love a good father-son duo, but if they do one more photo shoot where they are back-to-back and shirtless, or camera-facing with matching Blue Steel faces, I can’t support them.

Jonas Brothers vs. Baldwin Brothers

The Jonas Brothers have a cool thing going on. They are all genuinely talented and seem like down-to-earth boys. As for the Baldwins, it’s pretty cool that Alec Baldwin is so successful. But can we talk about Stephen? Oh, no? OK.

I still think our tween era were the glory days for Tiger Beat. Do you think the teen idols of today are as dreamy as ours were?

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