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Hilarious Mom Autocorrects Starring ... Me

Photograph by Getty Images

I said I didn’t want a cell phone. I admonished my husband with all the reasons why I didn’t need one. I even wrote a story for about why I didn’t want one. I was a confirmed Luddite.

Then, last month, I got a cell phone.

RELATED: 7 Reasons I Don't Own a Cell Phone

My first phone. Not my first smartphone—my first cell phone—ever.

And I’ve become a total phone buffoon ever since lifting it from the Apple-embossed box. It was like a fifth child (and probably gets more of my attention than the other four).

I’m on it all the time. I’m doing the same things that I hated people for doing on their phones BMP (before my phone). I talk on the phone while in line at the grocery store, I scroll through it (lovingly) while in the doctor’s waiting room (rather than sitting and appreciating the quiet) and I interrupt my children’s cute stories to look at a text message.

It’s disgraceful, really.

What makes matters worse is that I have no idea how this technology works. It’s comparable to a tall, 13-year-old girl who’s been given a driver’s license—just because she can reach the pedals, that doesn’t mean she’s ready to drive the car.

Luckily, my colleague has a great sense of humor.

Last week, as I waited in the carpool line at my daughters’ school, I was texting with a colleague about catering lunch for his company. (Back and forth about menus, and accounting for special requests, etc.) I wasn’t wearing my glasses, so I was depending on Siri to text for me. “Text, ‘How would you like your chicken salad served? In a bowl or on a platter?’” I commanded him (because the first thing I had my eldest daughter do when I got my cell phone was change Siri into an Australian man). Siri texted, “How would you like your cock salad served? In a bowl or on a platter,” but because I am blind without my glasses, I sent the text without reading it first.

My colleague’s reply text was, “Excuse me?”

I had to pull into the school parking lot, search madly for my glasses and proceed to type-text what I meant to say, apologizing profusely. Luckily, my colleague has a great sense of humor.

Today, I was type-texting with another catering client, when it happened again. Instead of texting, “I can make you a special Mexican-spiced chicken for lunch” to this man whom I don’t know well, I sent him a text saying, “I can make you a special Mexican-spiced cock for lunch.”

He never acknowledged the text. Even after I texted a follow-up message apologizing. He finally texted, “Mexican chicken is fine.”

These two men are friends and in the same business. It’s only a matter of time before they compare notes about "that caterer who can’t keep her texts out of the gutter." Maybe that conversation’s already happened.

RELATED: Hilarious Texts From Moms

I don’t know why my Siri wants to change the word chicken into the word cock, but as a chef and food writer, I text the word chicken a lot, so this may become a bit of an issue.

What I do know for sure is I should never have gotten a cell phone; Smoke signals don’t autocorrect.

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