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14 Things That Should Never Have Gone Pumpkin

Photograph by Twenty20

I don’t like the taste of pumpkin spice. There, I said it. I don’t like pumpkin or pumpkin spice. Mind you, I don’t have a thing against pumpkins. I love to decorate one with my kids for Halloween. I can tolerate pumpkin bread and, on occasion, find it good. But this relentless trend of adding pumpkin and pumpkin spice to just about everything as a way to usher in fall (mind you it’s still 95 degrees at my house) has me getting twitchy.

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See, there are some foods that aren’t meant to go pumpkin. Pumpkins are just squash on steroids. They don’t have to be added to everything just because Starbucks decided to market the hell out of fall by having the once-a-year, "buy it now or wait until next fall" pumpkin spice latte.

I’m as big a fan of fall as the next gal, but why can’t we usher in fall with the natural turning of leaves and sun going down earlier? We don’t have to eat fall as well by turning everything from potato chips to popcorn into pumpkin’s plus one. It's gone so far that some have even joked that there should be pumpkin spice formula and diapers. Aah!

I’m saying no to pumpkin spice. In fact, I’m saying hell no! The pumpkin thing has gone too far. Don’t believe me? Check out these real things that should never have gone pumpkin.

Image via Peeps

1. Pumpkin Spice Peeps: Who’s the genius marketing guru who thought, “Let’s take those yummy, cute, delicious pastel marshmallows we have every Easter and make them taste like a coffee drink!" That person should probably start looking for a new job.

2. Pumpkin-Flavored Potato Chips: Let’s be clear, potato chips are a perfect food. They’re salty. They’re delicious. They crunch. They have so many good qualities, they don’t need to also taste like pumpkin. What’s next, pumpkin nachos?

3. Pumpkin Spice Almonds: Adding anything to an otherwise perfect nut is like someone walking up to George Clooney and saying, “Let’s make you better looking.” It’s not necessary! He’s just perfect the way he is. And so is the almond. Almonds are the George Clooney of the nut family in that they're not their bitter cousin, the walnut, or that dreaded hazelnut that always gets picked last in a nut mix. Almonds are just below cashews on the hot list of nuts. So why mess with them?

4. Pumpkin Spice Kettle Corn: Is there anyone on Earth who doesn’t like the perfect sweet/salty ratio of kettle corn? Well, they won’t like it now that that sweet/salty ratio has been ruined by the taste of a pumpkin.

Image via Febreze

5. Pumpkin Febreze: If you didn’t get enough of the smell of pumpkin as it wafted up your nose from your pumpkin spice latte, you can get it all day long at home by spraying your house with some limited-edition pumpkin Febreze. It’s like smelling fall inside and outside of your house.

6. Pumpkin Mole: If you’ve ever ordered thick, dark, delicious mole on your enchiladas or tacos, you know there’s probably one way to ruin the perfect flavor: by adding pumpkin spice.

7. Pumpkin Spice English Muffins: A well-toasted English muffin is just about one of the most perfect culinary delights known to mankind. When you have perfection, you don’t mess with it, especially by adding some pumpkin spice.

8. Pumpkin Spice Pretzels: At your local Auntie Anne’s, you can get fueled up on pumpkin spiced pretzel nuggets. Everyone knows pretzels are meant to be covered in salt or mustard, not a giant squash.

9. Pumpkin Spice Malted Milk Balls: Who knew malt balls were still a thing? Now they’ve been pumpkin’d? That’s like two bad things in one.

Image via Kraft

10. Pumpkin Spice Cream Cheese: It’s gone too far when a delicious cheese spread is now mixed with pumpkin spice. Oh, and as you can imagine there’s also pumpkin spice bagels on which you can spread your pumpkin spice cream cheese. Pass!

11. Pumpkin Spice Cheerios: Is nothing sacred?!

12. Pumpkin Spice Salsa: There’s nothing like a fabulous bowl of chips and salsa. That is, unless somebody added pumpkin to that otherwise delicious salsa. Yuck.

13. Pumpkin Spice Chex Mix: My kids love Chex Mix. It's a great car snack or lunchbox add-on, so why add pumpkin to it? Kids are particular about snacks. There's no need to mess with a good thing!

RELATED: 50 Amazing Pumpkin Recipes

14. Salmon—Yes, Pumpkin Spice Salmon: For whatever reason, my kids have loved salmon since they were young enough to eat solids. It makes me happy because it's healthy and rich in vitamins, plus I get to occasionally pat myself on the back knowing my kids are eating grown-up food for a change. But salmon does not need to be pumpkin'd—it just doesn't! Stop the madness!

Glamour magazine also says pumpkin-colored hair is in this year. Uh, to be clear, those of us with red hair have in no way gone pumpkin. We know better!

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