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Real Daily Horoscopes for Moms

Who doesn't like to read their daily horoscope? Even if you don't believe in that kind of thing it's always fun to see what "the stars" (or a woman named Stardust) have in store for your life that day. And it's always surprising (or coincidental, your choice) when what has been predicted and what actually happens kind of matches up. But as much as we love to hear all that twinkly, mystic fortune talk, how much of it REALLY applies to us, to the daily chaos and head-banging that happens? How about a REAL daily horoscope for moms?

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

Today has you in a horn-locked battle with a miniature-sized ram over conflicting visions of what is acceptable to wear to pre-school. You may be tempted to give in to the batterings of the other, much younger, combatant, but in the end, you ultimately will insist that he/she wears pants to school.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The sign is a strong influence today as you encounter lots of bullshit. It can be from your kids, your husband, the guy who did a shitty job fixing your fence or the lady at the DMV. You'll be OK though because later tonight, you'll say you have to quickly drop something off to a friend, but you'll really go see the latest Mission Impossible movie by yourself. And maybe you'll also smuggle in a flask of whisky in your purse. Who's the bullshitter now, suckas!

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

It's one thing to make your kids lunch every day, but it's quite another to volunteer to contribute to the mid-term bake sale. Firstly, what were you thinking? But secondly, be realistic. Who cares if Chloe's mom made Sofia the First shaped macarons for Meet the Teacher night, and so what that Ben's mom had Urth Café cater his in-class (paleo) birthday snacks? Buy two packs of Oreos and some napkins and call it a day. But take caution, other moms may (will) call you "lazy" and "sad" behind your back.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

You will get your ass kicked today. By a very young child with bouncing beautiful curls who hasn't even cut her adult molars, yet. Lay low, try not to plan anything that will require substantial mental health and energy reserves. Look at your child's baby pictures to remind yourself of the preciousness of motherhood. Cover your vital organs.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Someone in public, a perfect stranger even, will walk up to you today and try to tell you how to better discipline your child, whom she does not know while you struggle to wrangle that child out of Walgreens and into your car. On most days, you would shrug it off and call her a bitch under your breath as you walked away, but today the moon is in the don't f**k with me phase, and you will strike back perhaps with cutting words such as "back the f**k off" said in combination with slow, but intense capoeira warm-up.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Just because you only got 2.5 hours of sleep last night doesn't mean you can't totally rock it today. With at least five cups of coffee, heavy concealer and that badass Virgo attitude, you can totally get through. Focus on your inner beauty today. And remind yourself, you are beautiful inside, even if your insides are made of an ocean of coffee and stress-eaten foods.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Everything in balance, right Libra? How about balancing a car seat with a small child cradled in it on the crook of your arm as you carry your young son's backpack in the bend of your other arm while both of your hands carry two to three grocery bags filled with heavy things like juice boxes, Otter pops, Dreft and wine as you try to herd your two other children from the car to the kitchen? You will manage to do it like a freaking BOSS! What! Moms rule today! … And every day.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Scorpios are led by their instincts. Today, if you follow your instincts that your toddler in the potty-training phase may have just dropped a steamer behind the couch, you may be correct. Unfortunate, but wow, you are really intuitive.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

A large sum of money will be coming your way today. Look, it's in the stars. But then, look in your wallet, and come back to reality, toots. You will more likely be slowly doling out large sums of money today and most days on things like school uniforms, piano lessons, sports fees and braces. You should remind yourself that money isn't everything. But you may also just want to eat a tub of ice cream.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

"Someone" will notice how good you look in those stretchy pants and Neil Diamond T-shirt. He may approach you, you may hit it off, and things may start to heat up and get steamy. Things may start to light on fire! But then your 2-year-old daughter barges in asking for mommy and her milk, pissing all over that burning fire. That's OK, the moment will present itself to you again. In another few months.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Damn your weak pelvic floor today. You might leave a puddle on the floor in aisle 9, when you jump to reach the top shelf and grab the second Kashi box in. And you might blame it on your child. Wow, no shame Aquarius.

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Pisces (February 19-March 20)

You will start off the day swimming downstream, as you not only successfully get your children clothed, fed and off to school, but you also get yourself showered before leaving to work. But you find yourself swimming upstream later on today when you resort to alcohol and Cherry Garcia to unwind and cope. Or is that downstream? I'm not sure. The stars are blurry tonight.

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