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Santa is a pretty rad guy. He travels around the world in a ridiculous, red, furry outfit, being
jolly and happy and knowing everything about everybody. He laughs all crazy in his flying sleigh while
being pulled through the sky by flying reindeer. He owns the biggest toy factory in the world,
and he has a ton of endorsement deals. Everyone loves him. And the best
part is he makes kids very happy. Yeah,
Santa’s got it going on. And though he
seems pretty down to earth, deep inside, he knows he’s the shit. But if you think about it, he’s really not
the best role model for kids. In fact,
his actions go against what most parents try to teach their children.
Here are the top four reasons why kids should
love, but not imitate Santa:
Santa doesn’t phone ahead and ask if he can come over. He doesn’t try to coordinate a time that
works best for your schedule. No, he comes
when it’s best for him, which happens to be the most socially unacceptable
time—at night, when everyone is sleeping. And he just creeps around eating your food and sitting on your couch,
and yes—likely using your toilet—before he heads off again. He’ll try to defend himself by saying he was
given implied permission when you leave out the cookies and milk, but that
argument would never work, for real.
2. He Doesn’t Eat Right
Hopefully, the other 11 months of the year, Santa has meals
delivered from The Zone, but for the month of December, he has the worst diet
ever. Cookies and milk, or some
equivalent sweet or otherwise unhealthy snack house after casa
after maison after yurt. That bowl full
of jelly is great for mall photo ops and cute verses in Christmas songs, but,
in reality, that and a sedentary, North Pole lifestyle is just screaming high
cholesterol, brittle bones and adult-onset diabetes. And I’m sure Mrs. Claus is like, “That look
was cute for a minute, but it’s time to hit the elliptical, Nick.” And also, he
drinks a lot of Coca-Cola, and that’s just not good.
3. He Takes Too Many Risks
Santa’s red, white-trimmed hat is cute—but it’s not going
to guard against blunt trauma to the head during a rough, rooftop landing. Not only is he not wearing a helmet, but he’s
rollin’ totally restraint-free, without a seatbelt. Then he walks across slippery, snow-covered,
slanted rooftops carrying a huge, heavy bag full of toys. But probably the most
precarious/life-threatening thing Santa does is chimney dive. Hey kids, let’s sing lots of songs and recite
poems and glorify the act of climbing up and down the inside of chimneys. And getting in and out of the fireplace. Where fire is sometimes burning.
4. He Promotes Lying
This one is more on us than it is on Santa. He’s just sitting there minding his own tales
of folklore. We’re the weirdos
perpetuating his myth by cold, hard lying to our children about his
existence. But, what makes all this
better is saying things like, “He does exist, even if in your heart,” and “Santa
is about believing” and other types of magical BS. But, in fairness, we tell the same lies for
the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. So
they’re not getting off scot-free, either! And they do really dumb things compared to what Santa does.
Sure, Santa doesn’t play by normal rules. But that’s why we love him, right? He is a man fueled by myth and folklore. He needs some magic and cool tricks behind
him to help his game as the most popular holiday icon in the world. He can’t just be a conservative, safety-conscious,
square of a fat dude in a red suit handing out toys at the mall. He’d just be an ordinary, everyday, perhaps super
thoughtful, but also super boring person. He’d just be Mr. Kristopher S. Kringle, from Topeka, Kansas. No, he has to be from the exclusive North
Pole, doing nose dives top-down, eating whatever the hell he wants. He’s Santa. And he gives the children what they want. And what is that, you ask? It’s magic and something exciting to believe
in. He’s not called Father Christmas for
nothing. And he does exist, even if just in
your heart … believe.