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4 Bad Lessons Santa Teaches Our Kids

Photograph by Getty Images

Santa is a pretty rad guy. He travels around the world in a ridiculous, red, furry outfit, being jolly and happy and knowing everything about everybody. He laughs all crazy in his flying sleigh while being pulled through the sky by flying reindeer. He owns the biggest toy factory in the world, and he has a ton of endorsement deals. Everyone loves him. And the best part is he makes kids very happy. Yeah, Santa’s got it going on. And though he seems pretty down to earth, deep inside, he knows he’s the shit. But if you think about it, he’s really not the best role model for kids. In fact, his actions go against what most parents try to teach their children.

Here are the top four reasons why kids should love, but not imitate Santa:

RELATED: Real-Life Bad Santas

1. He Promotes Trespassing

Santa doesn’t phone ahead and ask if he can come over. He doesn’t try to coordinate a time that works best for your schedule. No, he comes when it’s best for him, which happens to be the most socially unacceptable time—at night, when everyone is sleeping. And he just creeps around eating your food and sitting on your couch, and yes—likely using your toilet—before he heads off again. He’ll try to defend himself by saying he was given implied permission when you leave out the cookies and milk, but that argument would never work, for real.

2. He Doesn’t Eat Right

Hopefully, the other 11 months of the year, Santa has meals delivered from The Zone, but for the month of December, he has the worst diet ever. Cookies and milk, or some equivalent sweet or otherwise unhealthy snack house after casa after maison after yurt. That bowl full of jelly is great for mall photo ops and cute verses in Christmas songs, but, in reality, that and a sedentary, North Pole lifestyle is just screaming high cholesterol, brittle bones and adult-onset diabetes. And I’m sure Mrs. Claus is like, “That look was cute for a minute, but it’s time to hit the elliptical, Nick.” And also, he drinks a lot of Coca-Cola, and that’s just not good.

3. He Takes Too Many Risks

Santa’s red, white-trimmed hat is cute—but it’s not going to guard against blunt trauma to the head during a rough, rooftop landing. Not only is he not wearing a helmet, but he’s rollin’ totally restraint-free, without a seatbelt. Then he walks across slippery, snow-covered, slanted rooftops carrying a huge, heavy bag full of toys. But probably the most precarious/life-threatening thing Santa does is chimney dive. Hey kids, let’s sing lots of songs and recite poems and glorify the act of climbing up and down the inside of chimneys. And getting in and out of the fireplace. Where fire is sometimes burning.

4. He Promotes Lying

This one is more on us than it is on Santa. He’s just sitting there minding his own tales of folklore. We’re the weirdos perpetuating his myth by cold, hard lying to our children about his existence. But, what makes all this better is saying things like, “He does exist, even if in your heart,” and “Santa is about believing” and other types of magical BS. But, in fairness, we tell the same lies for the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. So they’re not getting off scot-free, either! And they do really dumb things compared to what Santa does.

RELATED: The Santa Talk

Sure, Santa doesn’t play by normal rules. But that’s why we love him, right? He is a man fueled by myth and folklore. He needs some magic and cool tricks behind him to help his game as the most popular holiday icon in the world. He can’t just be a conservative, safety-conscious, square of a fat dude in a red suit handing out toys at the mall. He’d just be an ordinary, everyday, perhaps super thoughtful, but also super boring person. He’d just be Mr. Kristopher S. Kringle, from Topeka, Kansas. No, he has to be from the exclusive North Pole, doing nose dives top-down, eating whatever the hell he wants. He’s Santa. And he gives the children what they want. And what is that, you ask? It’s magic and something exciting to believe in. He’s not called Father Christmas for nothing. And he does exist, even if just in your heart … believe.

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