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How to Divorce Like a Celebrity

THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO -- Episode 4448 -- Pictured: Actress Gwyneth Paltrow during an interview on April 25, 2013 -- (Photo by: Stacie McChesney/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
Photograph by NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images
(Photo by: Stacie McChesney/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

Despite her Oscar-winning performance in Shakespeare In Love and her super popular Web site GOOP, mention Gwyneth’s name and at least half the crowd you're talking to will respond with “She bugs me so bad.” Even yesterday, as Gwyneth and her Coldplay lead singer husband Chris Martin announced their divorce, Gwyn did not receive a lot of sympathy.

Personally, I’ve never had a thing against Lady Paltrow. In fact, I think there’s a lot one can learn from her. In particular, one can learn how to get a divorce like a celeb. And if there were a celebrity handbook on how to get a divorce, here’s what it would say:

RELATED: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin Didn't Just "Separate"

1. Always announce your divorce on your own Web site (not your soon to be ex-husband’s). It’s important to control your divorce from start to finish. The only thing more valuable than a healthy, happy family, is good PR. That means you have to announce your own divorce on your own site. If you don’t have a site, you need to get one before you can get a divorce.

2. Use unusual terminology when announcing your divorce. These phrases don’t have to mean anything. They’re just designed to be as confusing as possible, making whoever is saying them sound more interesting.

Some suggestions for unusual terminology?

  • conscious uncoupling (this has been taken)
  • unconsciously detest
  • positively loathe
  • spiritually disconnect
  • expressing ourselves with other people

3. Go on a family vacation just as you announce your divorce. This gives the illusion that you actually like your spouse, even though you don’t. Best places to go are places without wireless access so your kids can’t go on Twitter and see what people are saying about you.

Suggested locations:

  • Antarctica (very few paparazzi there)
  • Barbados
  • the middle of Los Angeles (no one gets wireless there)
  • Legoland
It’s important to be ladylike through your divorce and that means complimenting your soon-to-be ex-spouse as often as possible.

4. A year before announcing your divorce, start giving cryptic interviews, making people think you already are divorced. It’s important to subtly lay the groundwork that you are right and your spouse is wrong well in advance of splitting up. Use terms, like “marriage is hard” or “no one knows what the future holds.” It will also let your spouse know that you are mad at him. Hopefully, he’ll buy you a present.

5. Vow to lovingly co-parent your children together. Even though your children are now going to live on two different continents, it’s important the world thinks you and the hubs are going to co-parent.

6. Mention how talented your spouse is as often as possible. It’s important to be ladylike through your divorce, and that means complimenting your soon-to-be ex spouse as often as possible. So even if listening to Coldplay makes you feel like you’ve taken a Xanax, say nice things.

RELATED: 11 Craziest Post-Divorce Revenges

7. Look really good. Six months before announcing your divorce, start self-tanning, doing core workouts, cleansing and going on crack diets that make you cranky and gassy. You’re going to need to look your best if you’re going to be back on the market. It’s also important your fans think you are better looking than your newly ex spouse so they will root for you when you start dating Clooney.

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