(Photo by: Stacie McChesney/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
Despite her Oscar-winning performance in Shakespeare In
Love and her super popular Web site GOOP, mention Gwyneth’s name and at least half the crowd you're talking to will respond with “She bugs me so bad.” Even yesterday, as Gwyneth
and her Coldplay lead singer husband Chris Martin announced their divorce, Gwyn
did not receive a lot of sympathy.
Personally, I’ve never had a thing against Lady Paltrow. In fact, I think there’s a lot one can learn from her. In particular, one can
learn how to get a divorce like a celeb. And if there were a celebrity handbook on how to get a divorce, here’s
what it would say:
1. Always announce your divorce on your own Web site (not your soon to be ex-husband’s). It’s important to control your divorce from
start to finish. The only thing more
valuable than a healthy, happy family, is good PR. That means you have to
announce your own divorce on your own site. If you don’t have a site, you need
to get one before you can get a divorce.
2. Use unusual terminology when announcing your divorce. These
phrases don’t have to mean anything. They’re just designed to be as confusing
as possible, making whoever is saying them sound more interesting.
Some suggestions for unusual terminology?
conscious uncoupling (this has been taken)
expressing ourselves with other people
3. Go on a family vacation just as you announce your divorce. This gives the illusion that you actually
like your spouse, even though you don’t. Best places to go are places without wireless access so your kids can’t
go on Twitter and see what people are saying about you.
Antarctica (very few paparazzi there)
the middle of Los Angeles (no one gets
It’s important to be ladylike through your divorce and that means complimenting your soon-to-be ex-spouse as often as possible.
4. A year before announcing your divorce, start giving cryptic interviews, making people think you already are divorced. It’s important to subtly lay the groundwork
that you are right and your spouse is wrong well in advance of splitting up.
Use terms, like “marriage is hard” or “no one knows what the future holds.” It
will also let your spouse know that you are mad at him. Hopefully, he’ll buy
you a present.
5. Vow to lovingly co-parent your children together. Even though your children are now going to live on two different
continents, it’s important the world thinks you and the hubs are going to
6. Mention how talented your spouse is as often as possible. It’s important to be ladylike through your divorce, and
that means complimenting your soon-to-be ex spouse as often as possible. So even if listening to Coldplay makes you feel like you’ve taken a Xanax, say nice
7. Look really good. Six months before announcing your divorce, start self-tanning,
doing core workouts, cleansing and going on crack diets that make you cranky
and gassy. You’re going to need to look
your best if you’re going to be back on the market. It’s also important your
fans think you are better looking than your newly ex spouse so they will root
for you when you start dating Clooney.