If you're old enough to remember a bath product called Calgon, then you definitely remember their commercials. A frazzled mom yells, "Calgon, take me away!" and is transported into a luxurious bubble bath, where, presumably, she can no longer hear her kids arguing.
Like that blue eye shadow-wearing mom of yore, I very much enjoy escaping to the bath tub when I can. It's my calm-down happy place. That is why I do not understand my children's feelings about bath time at all. When I announce that it's bath time, you'd think I'd just sentenced a unicorn to death. So much complaining. So much procrastinating. And for what? Because it's so awful to sit in warm soapy water while someone lovingly shampoos your hair?
Kids are weird, and not just about taking a bath, either. Here are five other things my kids hate that make absolutely no sense to me.
Which part don't you like, kids? The free lotion massage? The protection from sunburn?
1. Putting on sunscreen
We live in Southern California, where SPF is always part of the morning routine. Unfortunately, I typically have to chase my children in circles and hold them down to apply sunscreen, after which my 6-year-old will run into the bathroom and wash it all off. Which part don't you like, kids? The free lotion massage? The protection from sunburn? I will never understand.
2. Wearing a sweater
When I get cold, I put on a sweater. It's not an advanced technology, yet it really works, like, 100 percent of the time. Despite all the scientific evidence that sweaters and jackets make you warm, I still can't convince my kids that outerwear is a good idea. I get the "Watchoo talkin' about, mama?" face every time I suggest it. And then they run away into the icy air, still wearing a tank top.
3. Eating vegetables
When I was growing up, and I was supposed to eat my vegetables, the best I could hope for was some steamed broccoli with a little butter on it. My mother tried to convince me the broccoli florets were "little trees" but I was not buying it because they tasted like nothing. But my kids have it so much better in the Whole Foods era: amazing fresh produce, the farm-to-table movement and insane peer pressure on moms to make Pinterest-worthy meals. I'm serving up roasted root vegetables with fresh herbs, zucchini baked in Parmesan and bread crumbs, and even homemade ratatouille! And yet they'd still rather eat the boxed mac 'n' cheese? Fine, more for me.
4. Taking a walk
My kids have boundless energy, which they usually express by turning my living room couch into a trampoline. But ask them to go for a nice walk around the neighborhood and the lifeblood just drains from their souls. "But I'm tiiiirrrred" and "carry me" are the responses I have come to expect. The prospect of slinging a too-big-to-be-carried school kid over my shoulder like a sack of grain usually kills my motivation to walk off dinner. Farewell, healthy habits. See you in 10 years.
5. Going to bed
Ask any mom and she'll tell you, going to bed is the best! I heart bedtime so hard. Blankets, laying down, not working, silence—it's the stuff of dreams. Which is why, when it's after 9 p.m. and a little person is whining that she's "not tired" and "can't close my eyes" and "hates sleep," I am full of confusion and pity. Child, you are missing out on one of life's greatest gifts. Maybe I haven't done a good job explaining this. Here, watch mama. Zzzzzzzz.