This week's column is one giant sad trombone coming out of my
pants. Sorry for the TMI but I used to be a total sex person (didn't we all?) and
now I'm a born-again virgin (not really, but … you know). Someone asked that
I address post-baby sex, and to be honest, I don't really want to because what
is there to say?
OK, so that's a slight exaggeration, I will admit. Sex is still
a thing that happens but it is a thing that happens FAR less than it used to
and, yes, I am incredibly tired and overworked and everything in my life is
piling up. But beyond that, I'm just ... not that interested at the moment.
Being overworked and overextended, exhaustion and being exhausted
is a huge part of why sex isn't my biggest priority at the moment EXCEPT IT HAS
TO BE, which makes me feel like I want to rebel against sex and be a nun. Because
for me, as soon as it becomes something I feel I HAVE to do versus WANT to do, it
feels like another chore to do before crashing.
Except it isn't just me in this nunnery, you know?
I mean, what the hell is wrong with me? Sex used to be my
favorite. Is it four kids that killed my libido? Has my body recognized that
there will be no more babies coming out of it therefore it wants nothing to do
with anything mildly sexual? I mean, is that a thing? Is it because, thanks to
my Copper IUD, I am seemingly always on my period? (That didn't use to stop me.
Not even close.)
I have become the cliché I have been resisting since first
becoming a parent.
"I will always be game for sex," I said. "I am the freakiest freak."
And once upon a time I was.
Oh, dear past self …
So what to do? Go on more dates? Take on lovers? Watch more porn? Procure
a sex swing? Experiment with body paint*? Sexting?
Anyway, I am turning to you, dear readers. Lend me your ears
and stories of romp. What is your advice for keeping sex solid and happening
after many years and many children (or one)?
Or maybe you are one of those people who are, like, "MY SEX LIFE IS EVEN
BETTER AFTER 16 KIDS! We do not have to work at it, we just can't keep
our hands off each other." In which case, I really want to know your secrets. PLEASE
SHARE YOUR SECRETS.
*Do you guys watch "Gigolos"? It's the only show we watch these
days. We're a season behind but quickly catching up. For my birthday, Hal got me
an autographed portrait of Brace, but because there was a misunderstanding down
at the Braceland autograph factory, Brace signed it to Hal instead of me, which
makes it even better.
Oh! And I am excited to add that we now
have a special place to submit queries for future columns and it's: email@example.com.