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What Not to Watch on an Airplane

I’ve been around one or two blocks before and would consider myself progressive in most things of importance. Apparently, though, all bets are off when I’m on an airplane with my children.

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A few weeks ago my family of four boarded a cross country flight from Chicago to San Francisco for a week of nature and family visits. We splurged on a ticket for our baby, as even on the best of days he pretty much acts like an octopus on steroids. That boy can wriggle.

We boarded without incident and all were looking forward to the trip away. The seat configurations were such that my baby had the window to accommodate his car seat, I was in the middle, my 5-year-old sat on my left, and my husband sat across the aisle. The trade-off for sitting with the littles was that dad agreed to supervise all toilet and diaper needs. Woot!

Things were going swimmingly, kids behaving and quiet, and nap ensued for baby pretty promptly. That’s when I noticed the man in the aisle ahead of me. More accurately, I noticed his big screen laptop. As soon as tray tables could be employed and seats reclined, that dude was on it. And by “on it,” I mean boom chicka pow pow on it.

His choice of in-flight entertainment was to watch the "The Wolf of Wall Street."

Yes, that Wolf of Wall Street. You know, the one with orgies, drugs, snatch (can I even write that on mom.me?!) and Jonah Hill’s prosthetic full Monty. Oh my. I feel squirrelly even typing that stuff out knowing that my 5-year-old is not 10 feet away from me, watching Lalaloopsy.

I’m not so uptight that I haven’t seen the movie. I did. In theaters when it came out. I didn’t like it. Truth be told, it kind of repulsed me. And not, to steal my friend Nikki’s words, in a “pearl clutching” kind of way, but more in a “greed is excessive and detrimental and damaging to the social structure not to mention my soul” kind of way. I just found it really hard to watch. Painful.

So, here I am on an airplane and this is my view:

When you’re on an airplane and the dude in front of you sees fit to stretch back and enjoy a little light smut, well, there’s not really much you can do about it. You’re trapped. I opted to do what any self-respecting mom blogger would do – whipped out my iPhone and tried to capture the money shot, already writing this blog post in my head. Ha!

My husband, the same husband who was sitting across the aisle, was not really worried about what a 5-year-old might make of visually depicted orgies and coke spoons and dwarf throws and oral pleasure and whatnot. He actually had never seen the movie. He couldn’t stop laughing at me furtively snapping the above photos.

Gratefully, we had purchased the Minecraft app for our son for the flight, so he was lost doing whatever 5-year-olds do with Minecraft. He looked over a time or two and loves nothing more than to swipe quickly through my photos, but it was all good.

In the end, I opted to keep my reservations to myself. I’m a live and let live kind of gal, and given the baby was napping and the little one was busy with pixels on a screen and I was getting some hilarious racy photos leading to a solid blog post, well, pffft. No harm, no foul.

RELATED: 9 Things to Consider When Traveling Internationally With a Toddler

That said, Kids, don’t do drugs. And Single Men on Airplanes? Don’t watch "The Wolf of Wall Street." Really. Keep that stuff on the down low. And by down low, I mean not at 30K feet. That shit ain’t cool.

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