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I can't even begin to tell you how much he
adored this turn of events. Naturally,
the concept of your mother doing homework is endlessly amusing to a sixth grader.
But soon it was my turn to laugh, because I read the instructions (something
he'd neglected to do, apparently) and discovered the assignment was to write a
letter to the teacher — about him.
I suddenly found myself with the power to
alter the course of his entire school year. Should I embarrass him? Create an
insane fictional past? Invent a nickname that would follow him around until he
moved out of state and assumed a new identity?
The possibilities were endless.
I left a fake first draft on his desk for
him to proofread as soon as he stopped being so smug about his mother having
Mrs. Teacher Lady,
So, you want to get to know my son better, huh? Well, I guess you're going to
find out eventually anyway, so suit yourself.
I'm kidding, hahaha — we're very proud of our boy's accomplishments. Heck, he
can shoot the neighbor's cat with a BB gun, all the way from our second-floor
bathroom window! He can pick almost any lock, and our former babysitter
testified in her deposition that he was able to duct tape her to the radiator
in under 20 minutes, which you know is pretty fast if you've ever duct taped
anyone to a radiator before.
a real quick learner. As a matter of fact, he was the first of his cousins to
figure out how to burp "The Star-Spangled Banner." He enjoys collecting animal
skeletons, whittling — and don't even get me started on his personal record for
playing video games (52 consecutive hours)! He is also a lot more pleasant to
be around these days, since he mostly quit picking his nose.
Thanks so much for the opportunity for me to share about my Precious Tinkle
Bunny (that's his legal middle name, by the way). If you'd like to know
anything else about our family, you can refer to my husband's parole officer
and/or my old Match.com profile (Note: I hardly ever get that drunk anymore,
despite the impression you might get from my profile pic).