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How to Write a Fake Letter to the Teacher

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My son came home from his first day back at school with homework.

I'll admit, I teased him a little. "Well, honey, you're getting older — they expect a lot in sixth grade! I'm not surprised you have homework already."

"Oh no, Mom," he corrected me with a smile. "This assignment is for you."

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I can't even begin to tell you how much he adored this turn of events. Naturally, the concept of your mother doing homework is endlessly amusing to a sixth grader. But soon it was my turn to laugh, because I read the instructions (something he'd neglected to do, apparently) and discovered the assignment was to write a letter to the teacher — about him.

I suddenly found myself with the power to alter the course of his entire school year. Should I embarrass him? Create an insane fictional past? Invent a nickname that would follow him around until he moved out of state and assumed a new identity?

The possibilities were endless.

I left a fake first draft on his desk for him to proofread as soon as he stopped being so smug about his mother having homework.

Dear Mrs. Teacher Lady,

So, you want to get to know my son better, huh? Well, I guess you're going to find out eventually anyway, so suit yourself.

I'm kidding, hahaha — we're very proud of our boy's accomplishments. Heck, he can shoot the neighbor's cat with a BB gun, all the way from our second-floor bathroom window! He can pick almost any lock, and our former babysitter testified in her deposition that he was able to duct tape her to the radiator in under 20 minutes, which you know is pretty fast if you've ever duct taped anyone to a radiator before.

He's a real quick learner. As a matter of fact, he was the first of his cousins to figure out how to burp "The Star-Spangled Banner." He enjoys collecting animal skeletons, whittling — and don't even get me started on his personal record for playing video games (52 consecutive hours)! He is also a lot more pleasant to be around these days, since he mostly quit picking his nose.

Thanks so much for the opportunity for me to share about my Precious Tinkle Bunny (that's his legal middle name, by the way). If you'd like to know anything else about our family, you can refer to my husband's parole officer and/or my old Match.com profile (Note: I hardly ever get that drunk anymore, despite the impression you might get from my profile pic).

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For the record, that's not the note I ended up turning in as my homework.

I hope.

Umm, excuse me while I call his teacher, just to make sure.

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