If you're reading this, I'll go ahead and assume you have
kids, or you're at least considering getting some. That's great!
I'm sure you've been having a fabulous time as a parent so
far, but — believe it or not — things could potentially get even better. Ask
yourself: Are you taking full advantage of all your kids' most useful
features? A quick scan of this list will help you determine if you're truly
getting the most out of your offspring.
One of the most basic kid hacks is to ask them to change the
channel when the remote is out of batteries. However, not everyone realizes
that kids can handle other remote control functions, too; just try to watch
your favorite show while they're in the room, and their noise level will
effectively mute the television! Amazing!
2. Alarm Clock
Using irritating beeps or blaring music to rouse yourself in
the morning is so pre-kids. By clearly expressing to your child how
tired you are and how important it is for Mommy to "sleep in for
once," you'll effectively set a 5 a.m. wake-up call from a tiny finger
inserted gently into your eye socket, accompanied by a 4,000 decibel,
"MOMMY, ARE YOU AWAKE YET?" alarm that's nearly impossible to ignore.
3. Toy Distribution
Everyone can agree that it's a huge hassle — not to mention
time-consuming — to spread toys all over every surface in your house all by
yourself. But believe it or not, you don't have to suffer alone if you have
children! Often, just the sight of you putting a single toy away will cause
your child to trigger a volcano of toys that spews throughout your home. You'll
find toys everywhere from the kitchen to the top of the china hutch, all
without lifting a finger!
4. Instant Replay
Ever wonder what that thing was you said about your
mother-in-law behind her back, or if you've ever said a cuss word? Your kids
will definitely let you know! Although it seems like they never, ever,
evereverever listen to you, they actually have a detailed memory of everything
you didn't want them to hear. You don't even need to press any buttons, they'll
just blurt it right out the next time you're in public!
5. Odor Creation
Before they have children, many adults experience primarily
pleasant aromas such as expensive restaurant meals and the distinctive scent of
recently detailed car interiors. The poor dears! Kids fulfill a basic human
need for odor diversity. By remaining attentive to your kids' toilet habits, letting them play outside until they smell like sweaty rodents and
waiting for them to leave dairy products unattended until they rot, you can
help them provide you with a seemingly endless variety of new odors to enjoy.
6. Bathroom Cleaning
Kids have a reputation for making messes, but it's largely
undeserved. In fact, you can easily get them to help clean the filthiest room
in the house with just a few simple words! All you need to do is ask them
nicely not to splash in the bathtub, and within minutes they'll happily douse
your entire floor in warm, sudsy water. Then just mop it up, and voila — the
kids have cleaned the bathroom!
7. Excuse Generator
Too tired to go out? Don't feel like attending yet another
Tupperware party? Can't muster the nerve to tell your coworkers you're sick of
seeing their faces, so no, you would not like to get drinks after
work? Good news! Your kid serves as an endless source of imaginary illnesses,
school functions and birthdays that can get you out of almost any unwanted