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First Rule of a Positive Divorce

Serge and I aren’t friends on Facebook. I think that’s important to note. It may seem counterintuitive for a couple attempting to remain friends during their divorce, but it's probably a big part of why we remain friendly. Let me explain: During the early stages of our separation we went back and forth like teens; unfriending and friending as our mercurial moods dictated. There was some blocking and unblocking involved as well — the whole juvenile gamut.

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Eventually there was one final blocking, I forget who ultimately blocked who, and now that we’re in better control of the wild emotions that inevitably accompany divorce, we’ve left it that way. It makes sense. It’s how it should be for divorcing couples, even ones trying to do it as gracefully as possible.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that remaining on good terms means you need to be all up in your ex’s Facebook game. In fact, quite the opposite is true. If you want to remain on good terms, it’s best you block and move on. Not because your ex is up to anything lewd or crude or posting status updates calling you names, you just don’t need to see their interactions, especially once those interactions involve potential mates sniffing around their business.

Watching him interact with women on Facebook would kind of be like showing up at the same party and ogling him from across the room.

Unfortunately for me, Serge maintains a Facebook page for his writing that I can’t block, and every now and again curiosity gets the better of me and I take a peek. I never feel good about it afterward. I almost feel like I’m peeking at his email. It isn’t that there is any trash talk going down, he’s actually quite effusive about his feelings for me, to the point that I’ve questioned his recollection of our marriage — so great is the difference from my own memories that are tainted with pain and sadness. But women are there, women who think he’s attractive and probably send him messages about what a great dad he is and how his last post reduced them to tears.

That’s just something I don’t need to bear witness to, you know? Watching him interact with women on Facebook would kind of be like showing up at the same party and ogling him from across the room. Is he flirting with her? She single? I wonder if he got her number? AWKWARD.

I admit to following Serge on Instagram because he posts gorgeous photos of our kids and I love to see what they’re up to while I’m sitting under the too-bright fluorescents at work. But I’m well aware a time will come when his Instagram feed just might include a photo of another woman. I know Serge well enough to know I’ll be informed of her existence long before he’d ever post a photo publicly but still … I’m mentally preparing myself so that I can respond as smoothly as possible. Because you can bet your ass I’d like to be on as good of terms as possible with the woman who will be spending a significant amount of time with my babies.

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Eventually I’d like to reach a point where we can be friends across all social media platforms regardless of who has a new boyfriend or girlfriend because it’s certainly a convenient way to keep tabs on my kids when I can’t be with them as well as to maintain a better understanding of what their life without me is like. But for now, during this first difficult year walking through an emotional minefield, it’s all about blocking, baby, and I suggest you do the same.

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