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8 Things to Tell Kids When a Kardashian Butt Breaks the Internet

Photograph by Rex / Rex USA

In the pick up line for my 6th-grader today I had a few minutes to kill, so I decided to see what all the latest hoopla was about Kim Kardashian. I don’t watch her show or buy her perfumes or know really anything about her except radio reports about her engagement and wedding to Kanye. And, of course, their daughter's name.

I'd heard there were photos of her tush in the latest PR stunt, but I hadn’t laid eyes on them myself. I googled "Kim Kardashian’s Ass” and got a list of options. One took me to a late-breaking statement from TMZ, with pictures and a red X running through them: fakes! Made me even more curious about the real ones and, since I didn’t see my son’s backpack on the horizon, I found the Paper article “No Filter: An Afternoon with Kim Kardashian.” By the second picture it was clear that, in this context, “no filter” actually meant no clothes, which I guess would have been too obvious. There she was, all slick and arched and bulbous. The woman looks like a cartoon. Oddly, like a beautiful yet eery circus freak. It was both repulsive and curious to me. I scrolled back up to read what drivel they managed to stuff between the porn shots. As I was reading about how her “eyelashes resemble miniature feather dusters,” my 11-year-old jumped in the car. His knapsack hit my arm, which jiggled my hand, which made me drop the phone. It landed on the floor of the car at his feet.

“Got it, Mom!” my son said, bending over. He turned the phone over and looked at the screen. Kim’s shiny ass and one of her bountiful breasts essentially sitting in the palm of his hand.

“Mom, what the heck?!” he said, throwing it on my lap like it was gross. But not, I noticed, before his eyes fully took in her voluptuousness. I turned off the phone and turned on his favorite radio station.

“So how was school?” I asked.

“Good,” he said. "We had a spelling bee. I lost on the word squirm.”

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“Good word,” I replied, ironic since a few minutes before that’s exactly what seeing him see that picture had made me do. I dropped him off at swim practice. He no doubt moved on from his brush with car porn. I couldn't. My mind raced with all the things I should have said. In case you find yourself in the same position, I've written them down here for you.

Now that you’ve seen that picture, I need you to lower your expectations. Nope. Lower.
  1. Hey Doll, I was just doing research for an article on popular culture. Crazy stuff out there!
  2. Honey, a woman’s body is a beautiful thing. There is no shame in admiring it. But if you ever date a woman with pictures of herself greased up and naked like that, run for your f*&king life. I mean, hang out with her for a few months first, and try to get some of those pictures, you know, with you in them. You'll want them when you’re 80.
  3. If she has sisters like that woman does, don’t make kissy face with them. It’s creepy, and they’ll just gossip about you lying on their bed together later sorting their thong underwear.
  4. If you meet her mother, flirt with her a little. She could probably use a little attention. She might also be the brains behind a multimillion-dollar operation and offer you a job.
  5. Don't become a reality TV star. You too, could end up oily and fully exposed.
  6. As an “older” woman — and by “older,” I actually mean old but can’t bring myself to write or say it without quotation marks — I am not jealous of Kim Kardashian. I believe that a balanced, anonymous life and an imperfect body are way better than perfection and glamour. Most days.
  7. Even though Ms. Kardashian is (despite evidence to the contrary) a real human woman, the reason she is famous is because of her freaky, outsized “beauty.” Now that you’ve seen that picture, I need you to lower your expectations. Nope. Lower.
  8. I am sorry to have exposed you to that possibly disturbing image. I only want what is best for you. Because I anticipated that, some day, there might be a picture you scan because the article is so good, I have had both your phone, which I bought you so could let me know if you are being assaulted in the bathroom at middle school, and your computer and you, restricted. Although it’s perfectly normal to be curious, if you search "Kim Kardashian" or “naked boobs, no filter,” or any other sexually provocative words or phrases, you will immediately be taken to Disney.com. No need to thank me.

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