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I’ve been in this world for 5-and-a-half years, and I have
pretty much everything figured out. And anything I don’t know, my mom can look
up on her phone. Life’s pretty easy.
One thing I don’t like is sitting in the back of the car all
by myself. I can’t hear what my parents are saying, and I just wish my mom
would pass back her phone. I have an entire folder with games in it, but she
keeps saying that I should be in the real world. Why? The world behind screens
is so much prettier and brighter and funner.
Nature is pretty cool, I guess. I do like to look up at the
stars at night. But, then again, I have a pretty awesome app about space.
All in all, I’m starting to get the hang of life. I think
I’ve cracked the code on these tall, big people around me—what makes them
mad, what makes them happy, that sort of thing. I’ve mastered the language, and
I can even spell and read now, so it’s easier to see what’s happening around
My parents have bad conversations sometimes. Sometimes I
wonder if they’ll live in separate houses, like my friends’ parents. Sometimes I
feel scared. Maybe I make them too mad.
My mom told me that my fish died, so I told her to plug in
the tank. She said real life doesn’t work like that. Weird.
Other things confuse me, too. Like why do mommy and daddy
say mean things to each other sometimes, but they expect me to be nice all the
time? And why does Grandma’s phone have that squiggly wire?
Is she even looking at my face ever? Or does she just see me through a screen?
I like hearing stories from back in the 1900s, like 1993.
But I will not, under any circumstance, watch a black-and-white movie. You’ve seen Pixar movies, right? When I was at
my friend’s house, we put on special glasses and watched a 3D movie in her
living room. That seems totally normal and ordinary to me.
Commercials seem weird, though. I’m used to watching my
favorite TV shows on Netflix, any episode I want.
I especially like playing at my friend Jack’s house because
he lets me drive his car. We plug in his mom’s iPhone and play Pandora stations
through the car’s speakers.
One thing that bugs me is when my mom starts taking
pictures. I swear, some days she takes 50 photos of me, even when I’m just
trying to eat lunch. Or she’ll ask me to hold a pose while she crouches on the
floor and takes a bunch of pictures, and then she’ll spend the next five minutes
deleting and editing them. Is she even looking at my face ever? Or does she
just see me through a screen?
My parents always have their phones on them—always.
Sometimes when I’m telling them a story, or I want to show them a cool new
ninja move, they’re looking down at their phone instead.
In Kindergarten, we learn math and reading on a “smart
board.” (What’s a blackboard?) At home, I have books that read to me with a
special pen, and I like to play reading games on the computer. If I want to
talk to Grandma, her face shows up on a screen and we can talk back and forth.
Again, all standard, normal stuff.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to email my Christmas list
to Santa and FaceTime my cousins across the country. It’s a busy life, being
5-and-a-half years old.